[jonlopez]

 A few 'top tips' <from one of those bloody fwd emails><br><br>Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate  bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds. <br><br> Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. <br><br>Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as  to your allegiance. <br><br>An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. <br>

[Nablo.]

Oh yeah we have read all these Viz top tips books before so need to get me started on them!

[Jonny Hoare]

but they are lmao funny. The cruder they are the better they are. <br><br>Any one seen the new chubbs video. Brillant!

[jonlopez]

o, sorry about that nablo. How bout these weird 'guiness world records'?  8)<br><br>MOST OFFENSIVE * <br>This is available from a few select bars in <br>New York. It contains tomato juice, <br>a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of <br>French mustard and a dash of lime. <br>It is not mixed, but served with a tampon <br>(unused) instead of a * umbrella and is known as a Pump'. <br><br>GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN <br><br>Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a <br>'substantial' amount of seminal <br>fluid. He also hold the records for the <br>greatest height (12ft 4in) and the greatest <br>speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. <br><br>MOST PROLONGED FART <br>Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a <br>fart for an officially <br>recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.  :o<br><br>    ........ i wonder if he had a curry the night b4 :-/           <br>

[Everlast]

Thats the Lopez i used to know