The chrismoyles.net TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris
#241916
1. N*E*R*D - She Wants To Move 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Ultrabeat - Pretty Green Eyes, 3. Natasha Bedingfield - Single, 4. Ash - Orpheus, 5. BUZZ OFF - T. Rex - Get It On (Bang A Gong), 6. The Black Eyed Peas - Hey Mama 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Franz Ferdinand - Matinée, 8. Jennifer Lopez feat Ja Rule - Ain’t It Funny (Remix), 9. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck 8:00 NEWSBEAT 10. Britney Spears - Toxic, 11. The Streets - Fit But You Know It, 12. No Doubt - It’s My Life, 13. JC Chasez - Blowin' Me Up (With Her Love) 8:30 NEWSBEAT 14. Eamon - F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back), 15. LMC vs U2 - Take Me To The Clouds Above, 16. 50 Cent - In Da Club, 17. Snow Patrol - Chocolate, 18. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby (Tedious Link), 19. Keane - Everybody’s Changing, 20. Christina Milian - Dip It Low, 21. Narcotic Thrust - I Like It, 22. Avril Lavigne - Don’t Tell Me 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. The Strokes - Last Nite, 24. D12 - My Band, 25. Pink - Last To Know

Chris wasn’t sounding great again this morning and he said he felt like he’d been swallowing razor blades, which by the way kids is not advisable. He said his croaky voice was partly to do with the fact that his body shuts down when it knows that it has a break coming up (see the bottom of the review for more on that)...but it had more to do with the fact that Chris went on a completely unnecessary six and a half hour drinking binge yesterday. Dave and him went to the bar at 4pm, Dave had a lemonade and left, then Chris stayed drinking with friends till half ten at night. He was therefore getting no sympathy from Vitty who said his troubles were entirely self-inflicted. Nearly all the team (except Rachel) were late today, as they seemed to have collectively picked up the nasty habit of ignoring their alarms and going back to bed for a snooze. Dave had three snoozes today and Juliette two, although that may have been something to do with the fact she had an entire bottle of Sainsbury’s wine to herself last night while watching Dirty Dancing on DVD. Chris said getting into the shower always wakes him up properly. Dave then got an image of Chris walking into the bathroom after his shower (in his smoking jacket) saying into the mirror “Morning Moylesy, you look great today” (in his cheesy tinpot radio DJ voice). Dave from Northern Ireland texted in to tell Chris that the best way to wake yourself up in the morning is to do ten star jumps. Low and behold after the 7:00 news and sport...
Chris - Everybody on my show is doing star jumps
(all laugh)

Chris told Rachel to wear a sports bra next time she does that though as she nearly bruised herself in the face. I think after Buzz Off everyone was fully awake, as Chris chose the classic Get It On (Bang A Gong) by T. Rex from July 1971. The song was played in full as 85% of listeners voted to buzz it on. Dave had tried to get rid of it earlier on 2:54, Aled was next on 3:22 and Rachel third on 3:57. Chris showed Dave a photo on his phone that he’d took of him, Emma and Edith in Derry. Chris said it was taken when everyone was drunk and after he’d already taken two pictures, which Emma had a go at him for (cos she didn’t know they were being taken). Dave said that (like him) Emma hates having her picture taken. Not judging by this pic of Chris’s she doesn’t though as Chris showed him the shot of her beaming broadly into the camera with her face on her hand. Chris said he could crop out Dave if he wanted (Dave said that happens to him quite a lot in photos actually) and just leave a shot of Edith and Emma together...what a thought. Dave said Chris is actually pictured himself in today’s paper, on page 12 of The Mirror. Chris denied baring any resemblance to the bloke passing over a letter to Colonel Gaddafi. He said that he was fat with long hair now, not fat with short hair. On a similar theme, Dom created alternative lyrics for the new record by The Streets - “You’re fat but my gosh don’t you just know it”. This was after the team analysed the lyrics again and wondered why Mike Skinner was hanging out in places where girls had milkshakes and donuts in their hands. Rache said she’d never do that as she’d get tempted and there are too many Weightwatchers points in them. Later today is her weekly Wednesday weigh-in actually and it’s fair to say she’s fallen off the wagon a bit in recent weeks. She asked what was wrong with herself as she’s going to go and pay five pounds just to be told that she’s put on weight. Chris said he could do that for a couple of quid. Dave said that if Rachel paid him a tenner he’d tell her she’d lost weight, which was very funny. Rachel was wearing her jeans today though and hadn’t come to work in the lighter trouser wear that she usually chooses to slip into on a weigh-in day. She referred to her regular wear as her pedal pushers, but Dave preferred to call them culottes and chinos, temporarily making Dom think he’d had an 80’s flashback. Chris said that one day the team will come down to support her at her Weightwatchers weigh-in, cheering and clapping whatever her result. Rachel said she might go to the morning weigh-in today so that she can have something to eat before midday (slightly ironic). Chris asked PR companies to send in donuts, trifle, choccy cakes and some vanilla slice slice baby’s into the studio. He claimed he was just doing this to try and tempt Rache, but we all know secretly that he just wants them to scoff himself.

EASTENDERS CHAT:
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This morning Chris was building up to the fact that this Friday’s show is coming live from The Queen Vic at Elstree Studios. Many of the links were therefore a bit EastEnders heavy (to say the least), and for someone who can’t stand the thing like me it made both boring and difficult listening (although it’ll be nothing compared to Friday). Dom and Jules won’t be live from the pub with the rest of the team, Joe Graham and Greyhead then though, as they have to stay in the studio for technical news reasons. Chris talked briefly about that to them and everyone’s worst nightmare also came true today as he had somehow got his hands a copy of the 1985 EastEnders Singalong karaoke album. It really is a pretty sad state of affairs when such a terrible 19 year old CD as this provides much of the material on a national radio breakfast show...especially as it wasn’t even funny. Chris said it was very much singalong EastEnders “all the way THROUGH the show”, with him playing songs by Lesley Grantham and Leticia Dean, plus other tripe such as “I’ve got a loverly bunch of coconuts” and “Oh I do like to be beside the seaside”. It was very irritating to listen to. Dave said his mum actually owns a copy of that album on cassette and she’s not even a * (she’s from the Isle of Man). Chris said it must have been a mid 80’s stocking filler.
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Ahead of the big trip to The Vic, Will had piled a load of sound effects onto CD for Chris to use (such as a phone, pub atmos and a doorbell). He had however got carried away and also included sound effects of horses, chickens, pigs, hairdryers, cars, ambulances and helicopters. Chris played these out on the air and gave Dave the length of a trail and a record to write an EastEnders sketch encompassing all those effects. It was obvious this was pre-written to me as the script was too long to have been done in that time and also everyone on the team had a copy, which wouldn’t have happened in time if he really had written it then and there. The sketch (like when Gary Beadle came in) was for Halibut Square, Radio 1’s very own soap opera. The plotline was confusing and doesn’t lend itself to being reviewed, but the accents and acting abilities of the team do. Chris, Dave and Dom were good (he did his Lou from Little Britain voice again), Rachel was mediocre and Jules and Aled were sh*te. Chris asked Aled what accent he was actually attempting. He was unsure himself although it was like camp * mixed with Welsh. The sketch was mildly amusing and Dave thought there was some potential in there somewhere...maybe. Chris as usual took things too far and dropped in all the sound effects into serious news and sport with Dom and Jules at 8:30, with Jules reading most of her bulletin to the sound of a toilet being flushed. She abandoned it mid way through and told Dom (please forgive me this slightly cheesy link) to get on with the weather .
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DOM’S WEATHER REPORT GENERATOR:>>>>
Previously known on air as “Dombot”, there is now a version of Dominic’s Weather Report Generator available at Radio 1 Online - basically a make your own weather package consisting of pre-recorded clips, as Dom (as we all know) has trouble reading the weather through without stumbling. Dom said it was very weird looking at himself standing infront of the weather map like that, and he also didn’t like the terminology used by Geordie Kid Scott on the page...which said he frequently makes a bit of a “rollocks” of the weather. Dom played around with the clips, making funny little forecasts by clicking on the various little icons. The thing most notably missing from the page is the lack of a clip mentioning the South (no bad thing to be honest). The clips used mentioned Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland, the West, the North and the East..but sadly not the South. Dom said he could only apologise to people listening in the South and substituted all weather locations as the North instead.
- Play around with the clips yourself by visiting Dom’s Weather Report Generator here.

CHICKS WIN DA TIX:
Aiiii. Innit. 50 Cent and G Unit are playing a one off UK gig at Rockingham in Corby (no diggity) at The Days Of Thunder Motor Racing Championships on June 6th. Chris said this was so him (Dave laughed) - Think of The Days Of Thunder Motor Racing Championships...think Moyles. Lynne and Louise were competing to win VIP hospitality tickets which would not only allow them into the gig free as a celeb, but also allow them to meet Fiddy himself after the show. Lynne sounded like a genuine hardcore Fiddy fan, whereas Louise sounded more like the girl who rang up randomly and somehow managed to fluke her way onto the air. She said she was “sort of” a 50 Cent fan, which sparked Dave off on his pig squeal laugh again. The question (even for people who hate 50 Cent) was incredibly easily - Complete the title of this 50 Cent single, In....? Fiddy fan Lynne shouted her name out confidently and nothing at all led you to believe she’d then utter the following - “In Da House”. Even at the second attempt she answered “In Da Hood” (Chris and Dave were killing themselves) and she said she really couldn’t remember. Remember the name of his breakthrough and biggest selling single that is. Shocking. What was even more shocking though was that Louise (who wasn’t arsed whether she won or not) won the tickets by default. She did her best to sound pleased. Chris said it was another successful competition executed by Radio 1. When Chris played In Da CLUB by Fiddy a lot later on in the show, Dave hilariously introduced it as “In Da House”.
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During the news at half nine, Dom announced that the shows very own Aled has been voted Wales’ number one bachelor by the readers of Company Magazine. Aled was chuffed although in his words “I deserved it”. He was actually out last night, watching Britney play at Wembley. He said it was good but what disappointed him the most was the fact she mimed to a few tracks and did jazz versions of Baby One More Time and Oops I Did It Again. Dave said not a glowing review then. Chris brought up the old story of how Britney mistakenly walked through his studio during a record one afternoon and didn’t even say stop to say hello. Chris wished happy birthday to his mate “old man” Dominic this morning. I think the mate he was on about is Leeds United captain Dominic Matteo, who turns 30 today. While in Derry last Friday, Chris spent some time alone in his hotel room watching DVD’s (no not those sort of DVD’s). He said he got half way through Kill Bill Volume 1 but had to stop. Aled sounded offended and asked why. Chris joked it was cos he needed a big dump, which made everyone laugh. Dave said you don’t get that type of review on Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross. It turns out Chris wasn’t half way through, he was just six minutes from the end...which he said made him feel like a right dumbass. He thought it was brilliant though (which it is) and he said he is now in love with Uma Thurman. I know we’ve discussed this on the boards and on here before and the consensus is that she’s just ok, but I still think that at certain points in the film she does look stunningly gorgeous (especially the scene Chris talked about when she’s being all American and touristy). Dave is a wimp and said he had no interest in seeing Kill Bill as he doesn’t like violence of such a graphic nature. He said even the ear scene in Reservoir Dogs made him freak out. I personally think Kill Bill is slightly worse than Dogs in terms of violence etc but still it’s not as bad as some people make out. Chris and Aled discussed the second Kill Bill and the bit where some bloke (I’ve not seen Volume 2 yet) stands on Uma Thurman’s sword.
Aled - He jumps on her sword then kicks her in the face
Chris (laughs) - Oh lovely. If you’ve just switched on by the way we’re talking about the remake of Mary Poppins...out soon


CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
TOM on his way to Cambridge to play cricket for Birmingham University 2
JOSIE and her relentless laugh on the way to hospital after she fell down the stairs 1

Daves Tedious Link
Kylie Minogue Shocked - Shocked is how you might feel if you’d just found out that your wife had been having an affair with a Russian Ice Skater - Sk8er Boi was a big hit for Avril Lavigne - The word “lavigne” shares many of the same letters as lasagna, which is a classic Italian dish - Dish rhymes with Shish, a type of kebab - A kebab is served on a stick - If you remove the first letter of stick you get “tick”, which is a type of parasite that you might find on a dog - A dog should be kept on a lead - The word lead shares exactly the same letter formation as the word lead (pronounced led), which is an element identified on the Periodic Table with the letters Pb, which stand for Plumbum - Plumbum rhymes with humdrum - Humdrum shouldn’t be mistaken for steel drum, which is a popular instrument at the Notting Hill carnival - Carnival Girl was a hit last year for the band Texas - Texas is the largest state in America - and America is the home of legendary early 90’s rapper Vanilla Ice - Which links us to Vanilla Ice and Ice Ice Baby

FLAW
*Alaska is the biggest American state, not Texas

**Just before the end of the show this morning, Dominic rang up Melody at the hotel in Honolulu Hawaii. You may remember she was the woman Dom was chatting to in his hunt for Hoff the other week. He had rang her back to ask what the Hawaiian word for “goodbye” was (cos we know it’s aloha for hello). Melody said aloha was also goodbye, which Chris said surely creates unnecessary confusion...those crazy hawaiians eh?**

MILLS FOR MOYLES
Scott Mills will be covering Breakfast from next week as Chris and the team take a well deserved two week break. Wes will fill in for Chris on Bank Holiday Monday (3rd May) and Scott will then cover the show from Tuesday 4th May - Monday 17th May. Chris will return on the morning of Tuesday 18th May.

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