chrismoyles.net
- Tue Jun 29, 2004 9:53 am
#241957
1. The Rasmus - In The Shadows 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Kylie Minogue - Love At First Sight, 3. Kelis - Trick Me, 4. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk, 5. BUZZ OFF - Paula Abdul with The Wild Pair - Opposites Attract, 6. Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Angel City feat Lara McAllen - Love Me Right, 8. Jamelia - See It In A Boy's Eyes, 9. Will Young - Friday's Child, 10. Snow Patrol - Chocolate 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 12. Ms Dynamite - Dy-Na-Mi-Tee, 13. The Ordinary Boys - Talk Talk Talk, 14. N*E*R*D - She Wants To Move 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 16. Robbie Williams - Feel, 17. Blink 182 - Down, 18. Basement Jaxx - Rendez-Vu (Tedious Link), 19. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 20. Ash - Starcrossed, 21. Outkast - Roses, 22. Girls Aloud - The Show 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 24. Joe Budden - Pump It Up, 25. Maroon 5 - This Love
After a quick thanks to the crazy radio maverick that is Nemone, Chris went straight on into the first major discussion topic of this morning’s show - sesame chicken toast. It’s the future kids. Tasted for the very first time by Mr Moyles last night, at a very nice Chinese place down the road from him. He’d never been there before but said it was lovely. Dave said he must go eat there in that case, as he’s driven past there loads of times but has not been inside once. Chris said he recommended the spicy chicken, noodles and the pork dumplings in particular..
Chris - Morning then. I’m Chris, this is my friend Dave
Dave - Hello
Chris - and we’re talking chicken
(7:00 news stab)
Sport girl Carrie thought that last night’s chicken may have been having somewhat of a knock on effect on Moyles, this was because all she could hear was fart noises in the studio during her 7am bulletin. Chris said he could see Carrie “flapping” over there (cue Dave’s pig squeal laughter) and admitted that he did have a fart machine on him today, hidden somewhere in the studio. Carrie’s sport bulletin quickly turned into a bit of a shambles, as she fell around with laughter so much that she gave up half way through her script. Chris said he was surprised that serious BBC Sport journalist Carrie was letting herself go at such childish toilet humour. Cue laughter from 32 year old husband and father Dominic Byrne..
Chris - We’re doing the Radio One Breakfast Show. We’re all grown adults...
(Dom laughs)
Chris - ...and your in tears cos of this little fart machine
Dom said that to be fair it was the pitch of the fart that was putting him off the most, rather than the actual fart itself. High brow stuff I’m sure you’ll agree ladies and gentlemen...
Chris (over Kylie intro) - 7 minutes past 7, a childish way to start the show. I think we’ve found the level already Dave
Dave - I think I can see us heading for a Sony Radio award
Dave said that while the team’s childish brand of humour seems to offend certain listeners, it’s also equally embraced by other members of the audience. For example those who texted in to say that they have a fart sound effect for their ringtone...jeez. I say just put it on vibrate and silent like I do. After his evening Chinese last night, Chris stayed in and watched TV all evening. His line up included Henman - Philippoussis in the tennis, the depressingly boring EastEnders at 9 o’clock...and then Big Brother. More on that in a sec - first a couple of things on the tennis. Chris found the Henman match thoroughly enjoyable, apart from the ugly, large women in the crowd who were draped in union jack flags. Chris played out the commentary from Tim’s winning match point and said that he was playing his own game last night while he was watching the match. He was trying to hear who the last person was to shout out “come on Tim” in the crowd before each point. He said that if anyone was going to Wimbledon today then they should play the same game - regardless of whether or not Tim was actually playing, or whether it was Roger Frederer against Lleyton Buzzard (or whoever - very funny). Chris asked Carrie who the fit blond one was at Wimbledon this year. She’s 17, is called Maria Sharapova and is Russian/American...and extremely, extremely hot. She’s only three days older than me too. Hmm, professional tennis player or chrismoyles.net show reviewer? I know where the money lies (and it’s not here). Onto Big Brother next and Chris said that he is really enjoying the series so far, despite his doubts at the start. Dave hasn’t seen much of it so Chris filled him in on what’s happening. Marco is a psychotic chimp, Michelle is an annoying Geordie who says “chicken” a lot, and Nadia is a transsexual who varies her accent between effeminate Portuguese and deep Yorkshire.
Buzz Off this morning took us back to April 1990 - it was the number 2 hit Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul and the Wild Pair. Rachel was first to buzz in on 2 minutes 22 seconds, followed by Dave on 3 mins 14. Aled was last on 3 mins 32, but only because Chris had to fit another record in before the 7:30 news. The text vote was 50.39% in favour of Buzz On btw. With his 1990 compilation CD out, Chris decided to bring back everyone’s favourite this morning - Dave’s Introductory Service. He was calling it “Beat the intro” for some strange reason, although it didn’t matter as Dave still kicked everyone’s arse. Firstly he managed to draw 3-3 with Aled, despite Jones having five second head starts on each tune. Then he proceeded to demolish Carrie 5-1 in a battle of 1991, that with his correct answers of U2: The Fly, Blur: There’s No Other Way, Wonderstuff: Size Of A Cow, Extreme: More Than Words and Amy Grant: Baby Baby. Dom was shocked at Dave’s amount of knowledge and Carrie was disappointed he didn’t go easy on her, as Chris had promised her cheesecake if she’d beaten him.
DAVE’S CONJUNCTIVITIS:
As I mentioned yesterday, Dave arrived home from Portugal with an eye infection and a sore right ear. A visit to the doctors yesterday confirmed that Dave may have conjunctivitis, so he’s been told to keep his contacts out for a while and take some antibiotic eyedrops. Dave said that the doctor put some yellow stuff in his eyeball to look for any scratches or abrasions on the eyeball. Chris said he couldn’t have that done to him as he’s too girly. On the other hand, Dave said that he as a contact lense wearer doesn’t mind having his balls touched (so to speak). Dom fetched Dave some conjunctivitis facts as he said his son Finton has had it and it’s very contagious. Dave said he knew he had to be more careful with his hand cleanliness from now on. Chris played The Show by Girls Aloud, which he thinks is a good little pop tune. Dave agreed and said it was annoyingly infectious, although not like his eye..
Chris (over 9:30 news bed) - and of course they’re easy on the eye
Dave - Yeah, on the whole...(realises and laughs)...so to speak
(Dave and Chris both laugh)
Dave - On the eye
Carrie - But you’ve got conjunctivitis!!! They wouldn’t go anywhere near your eye
Dave then laughed so much that Chris had to send him out of the studio for the duration of the 9:30 news. When he returned Dom was mocking his affliction, and Dave told him that he’d better shut it or he’d knock him out (forgetting of course that Dom is about a foot taller than him). As if the conjunctivitis wasn’t bad enough, Dave’s sore ear has added insult to injury by blowing out into a full ear infection. He therefore has to make another doctors appointment for today, and said he said he was struggling to hear anything out of his right ear this morning. As soon as he revealed this news, Chris decided to do the whole show out of the right speaker only, so that Dave couldn’t hear what they were saying. Chris repeatedly called him stupid down the right channel and Dom did a knock knock gag with a mumbled punchline. Dave said that that wasn’t entertainment, just pure cruelty. A few texts came in regarding Chris turning off the left speaker..
Chris (reads texts) - “Chris, can you stop messing around with the speakers as my right ones don’t work. From Danny Owen in Leamington Spa”
Chris (in just the right channel) - Shut your face you pillock
Chris (back in both speakers) - Yeah no worries Danny
RAT IN ALED’S BEDROOM:
Forget the UB40 references, this was serious stuff. Aled announced the news to Chris and exec producer Ben in yesterday’s post show meeting, explaining that a rat was spotted in his bedroom last week and then came up his toilet last night. Aled said that his two flatmates had promised to get rid of the rat before he got home from Portugal...but erm, actually didn’t. Chris asked what had kept them so busy that they couldn’t have rung Ratakill (or whatever). Aled said nothing as both his flatmates are unemployed and currently out looking for work. Chris interpreted that as them being freeloading scum. He said Aled was such a sucker when he admitted that he pays more rent than his flatmates do. He said he was obviously living with a couple of dozy losers who were taking him for a ride, and yet he could not see it. Aled told him to take that back and said that granted, his two flatmates are fairly new, but they are not “dozy losers”..
Chris - Well if they’re that poor, at least they should have cooked it and ate it
(plays trail)
Rachel made Chris take that back immediately after the trail and Dave added “safety first” (as usual). I prefer the text from some bloke in London who suggested that a way to get rid of the rat might be to “draw a cat on your bum in felt tip so that if they come up the toilet they’ll be scared back down”...genius. Aled said that one of his housemates had wanted to get rid of it himself (although humanely). This guy was deliberating about whether it could survive in water though and wondered if it would be back...
Chris - I’m no rat expert but I imagine that if the rat is coming up and down your toilet then it can survive in water. It’s not some kind of super aqua rat, from a maximum security rat prison in America
(all laugh)
Something not mentioned on the show today was that Badly Drawn Boy’s new playlisted record is appropriately called “Year Of The Rat” (perhaps backing music if this is to become a regular discussion topic over the coming weeks). Aled had been sent one of those mystic talking 8 ball things, and Chris used it to pose questions about his sponging, wasting, lazy, vermin, yellow belly flat mates (they obviously get on well). The mystic 8 ball suggested that it would be fine for Chris to ring the two flatmates in question live on the air and interrogate them.
Aled - Oooh please don’t do that, it’s too confrontational for me
Chris didn’t call them, although he tried to ring Colin Murray at numerous points of the show. However, each time his phone went straight to voicemail. Chris said he had ordered something for Colin on the Internet and it had arrived today. Dave added that no it wasn’t a Russian bride called Olga. On a little side note, Chris said that he went to school with a fit girl called Olga (although she wasn’t Russian). He read out a few texts guessing what this mystery gift was, including a little jokey reference to a rampant rabbit. Rachel pretended not to know what he was on about, and Dave found it slightly worrying that he knew and she didn’t. She then explained that she did and was only joking. Chris said he now knew what to get her at Christmas this year - a battery recharger.
THE MOYLES MILE - CHRIS’S CELEBRITY MESSAGES OF SUPPORT:>>>>
The big day at Roundhay Park in Leeds is now just over a week and a half away, with Chris running his very own “Moyles Mile” for Sport Relief. It takes place at 1pm in the afternoon and to take part you need to register your details online at the Sport Relief website, to which a link is provided within this section. Not content with stealing Chris’s funny clips into phone call idea from last summer’s Big Brother, Scott Mills is now jumping on the Sport Relief bandwagon and doing his very own “Mills Mile” on the same day in Southampton, or as Will Kinder had typed: “in Southmapton”. The war is on. In terms of numbers running it’s a no contest though. Leeds is third on the list of registrations, behind London Village and the capital of England, Manchester. Chris had various numerical statistics about registrations that Dave tried to analyse, although Rachel told him not to bother as he’s rubbish at Maths (in her patronising teacher voice). She was right though - he ignored her and was...crap at Maths. Chris had some special Sport Relief good luck messages to play out on the air. He didn’t listen to them beforehand, despite Rachel’s insistence that he checked them. She thought he might have found them highly offensive y’see. He didn’t, well only the one. This was from Gary Lineker, who said that Chris wasn’t looking in the best of shape and advised him to take the mile slowly. Chris said he’d kick Gary’s arse and then shove a bag of Walkers down his throat when he’d finished. He then had a go at him for doing last week’s interview in Portugal over the phone, as he said Lineker couldn’t be arsed to walk the full 5 minutes down the road from his hotel to do it by ISDN.
Chris - Go on Lineker, get back to Leicester and munch on some Walkers you pillock
The other messages were from lovely Davina, and the very funny Paddy Kielty and Jo Brand. Paddy called Chris “slightly heavier than normal members of the public” and wished him good luck in a physical sense, while that world famous athlete Jo Brand called him unfit, blobby and heavily overweight (*sniffs* smell the irony *sniffs*), and then told him to “cut down on the chips mate”.
Chris (laughing) - There seems to be a pattern forming, which is “you’re fat and will come last”
(Dave laughs)
(http://www.sportrelief.com - Your chance to sponsor Chris is coming up from Monday too)
OTHER STUFF TODAY:>>>>
With her being at Glasto yesterday and him being in Portugal for the preceding two and a half weeks, Chris said that he couldn’t wait to see his part time lover Jo Whiley against this morning. Dave insisted that Chris’s idea of him and Jo together is some kind of fictional delusion, but Moyles claimed that he was a three woman man - Sophie, Jo and Carrie.
Dave - Well there’s enough of you to go round
Aled’s mystic 8 ball was back in the studio during half time, and Chris told Aled to ask it any question he wanted. Now bearing in mind the fact that Aled could choose from any question in the world, you would never have predicted that he’d ask this (or maybe you would)..
Aled - Will Jo Whiley be wearing pink today?
After berating Aled and him claiming that Chris was a fan of pink (aii), Moyles said that Jo Whiley in pink wasn’t his fantasy - it was her in a Leeds shirt. Dave told him to forget it and said it was never going to happen. Chris pointed out the fact that Scott Mills’ show on Friday was the only one on Radio One to come live from the studio, as Jo and Colin and Edith were at Glastonbury, he was in Portugal and Pete Tong was in Ibiza..
Dave - Crumbs
(pause) Chris - No, Mambo
(Dave’s pig squeal laugh)
Chris also interrupted Dominic’s news today (for a change), to complain about him running a dull story on the building of a 12 mile long bridge in Morecambe Bay. After a little exchange of opinions with Chris (not an argument as such), Dom decided to move on...
Dom - Other news now away from the bridge, and none of the megastars were out for the London premiere of Shrek 2 last night..
Chris (interrupting) - You know why don’t you? It’s cos they’re all standing there in Morecambe waiting for this bridge to be built
CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
JOHN a photographer from Darlington 2
MARK an electrician from Skegness who sounded like he was on glue 0
Daves Tedious Link
The Cult She Sells Sanctuary - The Cult are led by frontman Ian Astbury - Ian Astbury shares the same christian name as Ian McCaskill the weatherman - The only song I can think of that features the word “weatherman” in the title is Blame It On The Weatherman by B*Witched - B*Witched are Irish, as are the Corrs - Corrs is also a type of beer - Beer is brewed from hops - Hops is a word also associated with rabbits and BMX bandits - If you add the words “one” and “arm” to the front of the word “bandits” you get “one arm bandits”, which is another word for fruit machines - Fruit machines are found in pubs, as are pool tables - Pool tables have pockets and in that respect share something in common with trousers - Trousers are one of the few things that can be worn by men, women and children - and children are more likely to get lost at airports and sporting events, and in these circumstances can normally be found at the meeting point - and meeting point when said in French is pronounced “Rendez-Vu” - Which links us predictably to Basement Jaxx and Rendez-Vu
JO WHILEY, THE LEEDS SHIRT AND THAT FART MACHINE AGAIN:>>>>
Chris had just started his final link when a very pleasant surprise walked in through the studio door. It was his favourite sandwich filling Jo Whiley, who was only bloody wearing a Leeds United shirt as requested earlier!! Chris said this was like one of his major fantasies, especially when Jo went round to his side of the desk and gave him a big *nice to see you* kiss on the mouth. Chris was checking out her black bra and boobs, this as Dave repeatedly asked Jo whether she’d spent her weekend on drugs at Glastonbury. She scurried back next door to hit her button for the 10 o’clock switchover. Before she did though, she asked Chris if he’d wear nothing but a Spurs shirt on her birthday next week. He agreed (amazingly)...
Chris (over Jo’s first song by U2) - It’s worth it if I get to sleep with her
Jo - I said nothing about sleeping
Chris - Wahey!!! My kind of girl!
Just as Jo was mid way through her first link, she was interrupted by the fart machine going off randomly from somewhere in her studio. She laughed her head off and screamed out at Chris, who was obviously controlling it from outside the studio window. He popped in after her next song for a chat, and said sorry for bringing such childishness to such a series music based show. She accepted the apology but still wouldn’t let Chris leave until he had told her where he had hid the fart machine. Eventually he did, and she found it under her desk (pretty much where Carrie had found it earlier - although obviously in a different studio).
<A HREF="http://pod-135.dolphin-server.co.uk/~chris/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?p=147835#147835">> Tuesday June 29th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <</A>
After a quick thanks to the crazy radio maverick that is Nemone, Chris went straight on into the first major discussion topic of this morning’s show - sesame chicken toast. It’s the future kids. Tasted for the very first time by Mr Moyles last night, at a very nice Chinese place down the road from him. He’d never been there before but said it was lovely. Dave said he must go eat there in that case, as he’s driven past there loads of times but has not been inside once. Chris said he recommended the spicy chicken, noodles and the pork dumplings in particular..
Chris - Morning then. I’m Chris, this is my friend Dave
Dave - Hello
Chris - and we’re talking chicken
(7:00 news stab)
Sport girl Carrie thought that last night’s chicken may have been having somewhat of a knock on effect on Moyles, this was because all she could hear was fart noises in the studio during her 7am bulletin. Chris said he could see Carrie “flapping” over there (cue Dave’s pig squeal laughter) and admitted that he did have a fart machine on him today, hidden somewhere in the studio. Carrie’s sport bulletin quickly turned into a bit of a shambles, as she fell around with laughter so much that she gave up half way through her script. Chris said he was surprised that serious BBC Sport journalist Carrie was letting herself go at such childish toilet humour. Cue laughter from 32 year old husband and father Dominic Byrne..
Chris - We’re doing the Radio One Breakfast Show. We’re all grown adults...
(Dom laughs)
Chris - ...and your in tears cos of this little fart machine
Dom said that to be fair it was the pitch of the fart that was putting him off the most, rather than the actual fart itself. High brow stuff I’m sure you’ll agree ladies and gentlemen...
Chris (over Kylie intro) - 7 minutes past 7, a childish way to start the show. I think we’ve found the level already Dave
Dave - I think I can see us heading for a Sony Radio award
Dave said that while the team’s childish brand of humour seems to offend certain listeners, it’s also equally embraced by other members of the audience. For example those who texted in to say that they have a fart sound effect for their ringtone...jeez. I say just put it on vibrate and silent like I do. After his evening Chinese last night, Chris stayed in and watched TV all evening. His line up included Henman - Philippoussis in the tennis, the depressingly boring EastEnders at 9 o’clock...and then Big Brother. More on that in a sec - first a couple of things on the tennis. Chris found the Henman match thoroughly enjoyable, apart from the ugly, large women in the crowd who were draped in union jack flags. Chris played out the commentary from Tim’s winning match point and said that he was playing his own game last night while he was watching the match. He was trying to hear who the last person was to shout out “come on Tim” in the crowd before each point. He said that if anyone was going to Wimbledon today then they should play the same game - regardless of whether or not Tim was actually playing, or whether it was Roger Frederer against Lleyton Buzzard (or whoever - very funny). Chris asked Carrie who the fit blond one was at Wimbledon this year. She’s 17, is called Maria Sharapova and is Russian/American...and extremely, extremely hot. She’s only three days older than me too. Hmm, professional tennis player or chrismoyles.net show reviewer? I know where the money lies (and it’s not here). Onto Big Brother next and Chris said that he is really enjoying the series so far, despite his doubts at the start. Dave hasn’t seen much of it so Chris filled him in on what’s happening. Marco is a psychotic chimp, Michelle is an annoying Geordie who says “chicken” a lot, and Nadia is a transsexual who varies her accent between effeminate Portuguese and deep Yorkshire.
Buzz Off this morning took us back to April 1990 - it was the number 2 hit Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul and the Wild Pair. Rachel was first to buzz in on 2 minutes 22 seconds, followed by Dave on 3 mins 14. Aled was last on 3 mins 32, but only because Chris had to fit another record in before the 7:30 news. The text vote was 50.39% in favour of Buzz On btw. With his 1990 compilation CD out, Chris decided to bring back everyone’s favourite this morning - Dave’s Introductory Service. He was calling it “Beat the intro” for some strange reason, although it didn’t matter as Dave still kicked everyone’s arse. Firstly he managed to draw 3-3 with Aled, despite Jones having five second head starts on each tune. Then he proceeded to demolish Carrie 5-1 in a battle of 1991, that with his correct answers of U2: The Fly, Blur: There’s No Other Way, Wonderstuff: Size Of A Cow, Extreme: More Than Words and Amy Grant: Baby Baby. Dom was shocked at Dave’s amount of knowledge and Carrie was disappointed he didn’t go easy on her, as Chris had promised her cheesecake if she’d beaten him.
DAVE’S CONJUNCTIVITIS:
As I mentioned yesterday, Dave arrived home from Portugal with an eye infection and a sore right ear. A visit to the doctors yesterday confirmed that Dave may have conjunctivitis, so he’s been told to keep his contacts out for a while and take some antibiotic eyedrops. Dave said that the doctor put some yellow stuff in his eyeball to look for any scratches or abrasions on the eyeball. Chris said he couldn’t have that done to him as he’s too girly. On the other hand, Dave said that he as a contact lense wearer doesn’t mind having his balls touched (so to speak). Dom fetched Dave some conjunctivitis facts as he said his son Finton has had it and it’s very contagious. Dave said he knew he had to be more careful with his hand cleanliness from now on. Chris played The Show by Girls Aloud, which he thinks is a good little pop tune. Dave agreed and said it was annoyingly infectious, although not like his eye..
Chris (over 9:30 news bed) - and of course they’re easy on the eye
Dave - Yeah, on the whole...(realises and laughs)...so to speak
(Dave and Chris both laugh)
Dave - On the eye
Carrie - But you’ve got conjunctivitis!!! They wouldn’t go anywhere near your eye
Dave then laughed so much that Chris had to send him out of the studio for the duration of the 9:30 news. When he returned Dom was mocking his affliction, and Dave told him that he’d better shut it or he’d knock him out (forgetting of course that Dom is about a foot taller than him). As if the conjunctivitis wasn’t bad enough, Dave’s sore ear has added insult to injury by blowing out into a full ear infection. He therefore has to make another doctors appointment for today, and said he said he was struggling to hear anything out of his right ear this morning. As soon as he revealed this news, Chris decided to do the whole show out of the right speaker only, so that Dave couldn’t hear what they were saying. Chris repeatedly called him stupid down the right channel and Dom did a knock knock gag with a mumbled punchline. Dave said that that wasn’t entertainment, just pure cruelty. A few texts came in regarding Chris turning off the left speaker..
Chris (reads texts) - “Chris, can you stop messing around with the speakers as my right ones don’t work. From Danny Owen in Leamington Spa”
Chris (in just the right channel) - Shut your face you pillock
Chris (back in both speakers) - Yeah no worries Danny
RAT IN ALED’S BEDROOM:
Forget the UB40 references, this was serious stuff. Aled announced the news to Chris and exec producer Ben in yesterday’s post show meeting, explaining that a rat was spotted in his bedroom last week and then came up his toilet last night. Aled said that his two flatmates had promised to get rid of the rat before he got home from Portugal...but erm, actually didn’t. Chris asked what had kept them so busy that they couldn’t have rung Ratakill (or whatever). Aled said nothing as both his flatmates are unemployed and currently out looking for work. Chris interpreted that as them being freeloading scum. He said Aled was such a sucker when he admitted that he pays more rent than his flatmates do. He said he was obviously living with a couple of dozy losers who were taking him for a ride, and yet he could not see it. Aled told him to take that back and said that granted, his two flatmates are fairly new, but they are not “dozy losers”..
Chris - Well if they’re that poor, at least they should have cooked it and ate it
(plays trail)
Rachel made Chris take that back immediately after the trail and Dave added “safety first” (as usual). I prefer the text from some bloke in London who suggested that a way to get rid of the rat might be to “draw a cat on your bum in felt tip so that if they come up the toilet they’ll be scared back down”...genius. Aled said that one of his housemates had wanted to get rid of it himself (although humanely). This guy was deliberating about whether it could survive in water though and wondered if it would be back...
Chris - I’m no rat expert but I imagine that if the rat is coming up and down your toilet then it can survive in water. It’s not some kind of super aqua rat, from a maximum security rat prison in America
(all laugh)
Something not mentioned on the show today was that Badly Drawn Boy’s new playlisted record is appropriately called “Year Of The Rat” (perhaps backing music if this is to become a regular discussion topic over the coming weeks). Aled had been sent one of those mystic talking 8 ball things, and Chris used it to pose questions about his sponging, wasting, lazy, vermin, yellow belly flat mates (they obviously get on well). The mystic 8 ball suggested that it would be fine for Chris to ring the two flatmates in question live on the air and interrogate them.
Aled - Oooh please don’t do that, it’s too confrontational for me
Chris didn’t call them, although he tried to ring Colin Murray at numerous points of the show. However, each time his phone went straight to voicemail. Chris said he had ordered something for Colin on the Internet and it had arrived today. Dave added that no it wasn’t a Russian bride called Olga. On a little side note, Chris said that he went to school with a fit girl called Olga (although she wasn’t Russian). He read out a few texts guessing what this mystery gift was, including a little jokey reference to a rampant rabbit. Rachel pretended not to know what he was on about, and Dave found it slightly worrying that he knew and she didn’t. She then explained that she did and was only joking. Chris said he now knew what to get her at Christmas this year - a battery recharger.
THE MOYLES MILE - CHRIS’S CELEBRITY MESSAGES OF SUPPORT:>>>>
The big day at Roundhay Park in Leeds is now just over a week and a half away, with Chris running his very own “Moyles Mile” for Sport Relief. It takes place at 1pm in the afternoon and to take part you need to register your details online at the Sport Relief website, to which a link is provided within this section. Not content with stealing Chris’s funny clips into phone call idea from last summer’s Big Brother, Scott Mills is now jumping on the Sport Relief bandwagon and doing his very own “Mills Mile” on the same day in Southampton, or as Will Kinder had typed: “in Southmapton”. The war is on. In terms of numbers running it’s a no contest though. Leeds is third on the list of registrations, behind London Village and the capital of England, Manchester. Chris had various numerical statistics about registrations that Dave tried to analyse, although Rachel told him not to bother as he’s rubbish at Maths (in her patronising teacher voice). She was right though - he ignored her and was...crap at Maths. Chris had some special Sport Relief good luck messages to play out on the air. He didn’t listen to them beforehand, despite Rachel’s insistence that he checked them. She thought he might have found them highly offensive y’see. He didn’t, well only the one. This was from Gary Lineker, who said that Chris wasn’t looking in the best of shape and advised him to take the mile slowly. Chris said he’d kick Gary’s arse and then shove a bag of Walkers down his throat when he’d finished. He then had a go at him for doing last week’s interview in Portugal over the phone, as he said Lineker couldn’t be arsed to walk the full 5 minutes down the road from his hotel to do it by ISDN.
Chris - Go on Lineker, get back to Leicester and munch on some Walkers you pillock
The other messages were from lovely Davina, and the very funny Paddy Kielty and Jo Brand. Paddy called Chris “slightly heavier than normal members of the public” and wished him good luck in a physical sense, while that world famous athlete Jo Brand called him unfit, blobby and heavily overweight (*sniffs* smell the irony *sniffs*), and then told him to “cut down on the chips mate”.
Chris (laughing) - There seems to be a pattern forming, which is “you’re fat and will come last”
(Dave laughs)
(http://www.sportrelief.com - Your chance to sponsor Chris is coming up from Monday too)
OTHER STUFF TODAY:>>>>
With her being at Glasto yesterday and him being in Portugal for the preceding two and a half weeks, Chris said that he couldn’t wait to see his part time lover Jo Whiley against this morning. Dave insisted that Chris’s idea of him and Jo together is some kind of fictional delusion, but Moyles claimed that he was a three woman man - Sophie, Jo and Carrie.
Dave - Well there’s enough of you to go round
Aled’s mystic 8 ball was back in the studio during half time, and Chris told Aled to ask it any question he wanted. Now bearing in mind the fact that Aled could choose from any question in the world, you would never have predicted that he’d ask this (or maybe you would)..
Aled - Will Jo Whiley be wearing pink today?
After berating Aled and him claiming that Chris was a fan of pink (aii), Moyles said that Jo Whiley in pink wasn’t his fantasy - it was her in a Leeds shirt. Dave told him to forget it and said it was never going to happen. Chris pointed out the fact that Scott Mills’ show on Friday was the only one on Radio One to come live from the studio, as Jo and Colin and Edith were at Glastonbury, he was in Portugal and Pete Tong was in Ibiza..
Dave - Crumbs
(pause) Chris - No, Mambo
(Dave’s pig squeal laugh)
Chris also interrupted Dominic’s news today (for a change), to complain about him running a dull story on the building of a 12 mile long bridge in Morecambe Bay. After a little exchange of opinions with Chris (not an argument as such), Dom decided to move on...
Dom - Other news now away from the bridge, and none of the megastars were out for the London premiere of Shrek 2 last night..
Chris (interrupting) - You know why don’t you? It’s cos they’re all standing there in Morecambe waiting for this bridge to be built
CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
JOHN a photographer from Darlington 2
MARK an electrician from Skegness who sounded like he was on glue 0
Daves Tedious Link
The Cult She Sells Sanctuary - The Cult are led by frontman Ian Astbury - Ian Astbury shares the same christian name as Ian McCaskill the weatherman - The only song I can think of that features the word “weatherman” in the title is Blame It On The Weatherman by B*Witched - B*Witched are Irish, as are the Corrs - Corrs is also a type of beer - Beer is brewed from hops - Hops is a word also associated with rabbits and BMX bandits - If you add the words “one” and “arm” to the front of the word “bandits” you get “one arm bandits”, which is another word for fruit machines - Fruit machines are found in pubs, as are pool tables - Pool tables have pockets and in that respect share something in common with trousers - Trousers are one of the few things that can be worn by men, women and children - and children are more likely to get lost at airports and sporting events, and in these circumstances can normally be found at the meeting point - and meeting point when said in French is pronounced “Rendez-Vu” - Which links us predictably to Basement Jaxx and Rendez-Vu
JO WHILEY, THE LEEDS SHIRT AND THAT FART MACHINE AGAIN:>>>>
Chris had just started his final link when a very pleasant surprise walked in through the studio door. It was his favourite sandwich filling Jo Whiley, who was only bloody wearing a Leeds United shirt as requested earlier!! Chris said this was like one of his major fantasies, especially when Jo went round to his side of the desk and gave him a big *nice to see you* kiss on the mouth. Chris was checking out her black bra and boobs, this as Dave repeatedly asked Jo whether she’d spent her weekend on drugs at Glastonbury. She scurried back next door to hit her button for the 10 o’clock switchover. Before she did though, she asked Chris if he’d wear nothing but a Spurs shirt on her birthday next week. He agreed (amazingly)...
Chris (over Jo’s first song by U2) - It’s worth it if I get to sleep with her
Jo - I said nothing about sleeping
Chris - Wahey!!! My kind of girl!
Just as Jo was mid way through her first link, she was interrupted by the fart machine going off randomly from somewhere in her studio. She laughed her head off and screamed out at Chris, who was obviously controlling it from outside the studio window. He popped in after her next song for a chat, and said sorry for bringing such childishness to such a series music based show. She accepted the apology but still wouldn’t let Chris leave until he had told her where he had hid the fart machine. Eventually he did, and she found it under her desk (pretty much where Carrie had found it earlier - although obviously in a different studio).
<A HREF="http://pod-135.dolphin-server.co.uk/~chris/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?p=147835#147835">> Tuesday June 29th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <</A>
