[Chris]

Hello There...

I do hope you have missed me? I'm guessing not but oh well I'll just have to kill you and your family.........:-) the funny thing is you think I'm joking. Anyway today I have heard all of the show the reason being is that last week I went on a residential trip with most of Year 9 at my school... so the day started off on Monday and the 10 of us set of on the coach, I sat next the school Gippo, Alan no-one likes this poor fellow, though to be fair they do have a good reason... he stinks and I'm not just talking about a faint smell, but this boy/thing can strip paint when he walks into a room! Anyway there are a few amusing things you can do on a boring 5 hour coach journey...1) You are sitting next to someone you don't like, undo his/her/it's seat belt, then make haste my friend take no time in pushing this little sod into the coach isle. When you have done that shout at the top of voice '' Stop, oh God please stop, you've just run over a baby!!!'', the coach driver will automatically ram on the breaks and your friend in the isle of the coach will go flying straight through the windscreen making a pleasing mess or even better go flying straight through it and out into the road where he might even get run over:-) and even if the bus driver really has run over something and your friend hasn't been pushed in the middle shout ''Stop'' and the bus will make a pleasing red smear across the road. 2) If you are sitting behind the driver and you have a pair of speakers on you shove them in the drivers little cabin type thingy and turn the volume up to Max, and let the fun begin..... let rip with full sound in his ear, he will so startled he WILL crash the bus, be quick jump over the seats and get right to the back of the bus where no one will ever suspect you, and your friend sitting next to you all the way back down the other end of the bus with the Walkman or whatever sitting in this gullible arse's lap will get the blame...what bliss. 3) Try to cause a pile up moon or shove your man hood or even your woman hood out the widow at passers by, this WILL make them laugh/gag/throw up/make them insanely jealous and they will lose all attention and swerve making a crash behind you BUT make sure the wind doesn't make the window snap back, as that would be a great shame to you and the hundreds of people just waiting to wreck their cars in a huge tailback.... Anyway on with the show....


The first thing that Chris started talking about was that they did a timed run today and it was there best yet! It was a 2.8 mile run and Dave managed to shave 30 seconds off his normal time Will: 90 seconds and Chris managed to do the run in about 4 minutes!!! The Chris started talking about how some bloke who did some Radio reviews in ''Heat'' magazine, Chris was saying that he never gave Chris any nice reviews and he was ALWAYS giving Jonathan Ross a great review and he was ''always stuck up his arse.'' Chris decided to teach this little get a lesson by giving him till 4 o'clock to ring in and say that he is very sorry and will give Chris a fair review, otherwise Chris would complete ''Heat'' magazines cross-word on national Radio for everyone to hear... look just go for the easy way of threatening someone either use your arse in it or threaten to kill his gerbil in a way that can't be described but it involves a toaster...

Next were them carrying it on, Chris and the team were making great progress, heat magazine hadn't rang up yet so they decided to carry on doing even more of it but they got stuck on a question, 'What was the director of ''Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'' called?....

Next up was the team talking about how on ''Heat'' magazine's advert on T.V they have a fat ugly bird doing it. They were saying how they could get some lap dancers to do it, or even Chris and Dave to do it because they are available to do any T.V work...

Now in this link the Team had nearly done the entire cross-word! They were reading out the answers but they were stuck on The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon one and also Very ???? Mary, after a few e-mails it turned out to be a new book or something called Very Annie Mary, Heat magazine still hadn't rang up and Will pointed out that this might because their Press person Nick was in the kitchen having a fag (....so he was having sex then?) and not by the phones where he should be!!! Also the team had been sent some things by Burger King. There was a t-shirt in there that was massive so Lizzie tried it on and it covered her entire body. Next was Chris talking about that dippy trout Narinda saying she wants to get on the Chris Moyles show after she gets out and that she really likes him... stupid annoying trout go back to the swamp you crawled out of! STUPID UGLY MINGING DOG THING GO BACK TO THE HELL THAT SPAWNED YOU!.... sorry she just gets on my nerves... a bit. Also he was talking about Stuart and Helen talking about him and how they liked him, but it seemed this pair of ARSE'S!!!!! didn't know anything about him as they seemed to think he started at 5 o'clock..... even I know he starts at 4!!!!!!!!!! Losers....

Next was about the Heat magazine blokey. He had e-mailed in saying that he does say good things about Chris and that he will say something good about Chris next week, also Chris accident read out his e-mail... You had better or that Gerbil will not be safe for much longer... Also Chris stated talking about how basically all the other radio 1 DJs get to do a show on Radio 5 Live except Chris and the Team. Will said that he could do a show about Leeds United, except Chris pointed out that he doesn't know that much about them or any football for that matter...

Next was Dave trying to Blame Chris because Chris left his water on the desk and Dave knocked it over. Dave was saying that it was Chris's fault and he shouldn't have left it there in the fecking first place, but Chris said that Dave knocked it over so it was his fault also Chris pointed out that the desks only ever get cleaned when someone spills something on them and then they get wiped clean. In the end Chris said sorry for putting his water there and not moving it and he said that he always knows when to say sorry and when he is in the wrong, Will very foolishly said ''Oh yes, of course you do.'', Chris then started on at Will telling him how crap he is and that Jamie Theakston didn't even want him on his show...

Next was a subject I am particularly interested in even for a man, breasts. Yes, the team were talking about a women who can inflate and deflate her breasts at will, because she had a valve under her arm pit.... how useful going to meet parents: 2 cherries on an ironing board as Chris would say, Job interview: JJJ, Minty Tastic!!! Also Lizzie told Chris that her breasts were aching and it was probably due to the fact she got early this morning... or maybe farmer Boy tried to milk you while you were sleeping, she's not like any girl friends you've had before, she isn't a cow or any farm yard animal for that matter! Speaking of farmer boy ( Lizzie's Man, well close enough to a man ) Chris was saying that he was quite a nice bloke and quite handsome, but Chris proceeded to do a very VERY funny impression of him and Lizzie at a posh restaurant... well Lizzie if that accent turns you on, I come from Gloucestershire, Ooh Ar! I got Transit Van in Car Park...

Sav The Magic Man.

Sav the magic man came in for the second day today, he performed the trick ''Guess Which Record.'' In order to do this trick you had to be on the net on Chris's mini site.
There were 4 pics of popstars and Bands.
Firstly you had to put your finger on one of them.
Then you had to Move your finger the amount of times Sav told you without moving diagonally or jumping over any spaces.
At the end of each move you would click on the ''here'' button and it would take away a few of the pics or add a few more, and basically if you had done it right you would come up with Robbie Williams at the end, which oddly enough was the song which was in the envelope that had the record that they were meant to play next... I could do that, I just don't want to

Next was Chris talking to someone from News Beat about the upcoming News Beat with Tony Blair. Chris asked if they could get Penny (Trout interviewing Mr. Blair) to ask him if he knew what the fastest land mammal was, or even what are you looking at or even do you want a fight, I listened out for this in News Beat and Mr. Blair got asked the question but he didn't know and apparently it's an elephant in a plane, so he got told...

Next was Alad the Big Brother expert talking about the Big Brother contestants he said the following about the following twats:
Penny: Penny is great fun and I don't want her to leave because she is full of surprises like she has been out with 4 men over 60...that's, actually quite disturbing...
Bubble: Has taken a turn for the worse after The Truth Or Dare thing involving his daughter, he has spent most his time sleeping...Good hopefully it's a coma
Amma: Has some disgusting habits like eating her snot.. she's a bloody lap dancer, who cares?!
Brian: Apparently he got taught how to fight by Bubble... Bitch Fight!!!
Helen: Has to go... I agree back to the trout farm with her...

Last was the team disgusting about their beer bellies. Apparently Dave has a huge one even though he is only a skinny little man, Will doesn't really have a big one apparently because he drinks lots of spirits, and Chris, well Chris is just fat...

Well that was about it, now I'm off to go and get drunk and beat up some midgets...

Ben (Bat Man, long story, involving speedoes, boxers on head socks down speedoes etc etc, the normal thing I like to get up to:-) ) Jammin.