[Matt]

This woman walks into a video store, and feeling a little adventurous wanders into the X rated video section. She looks around for a bit, picks out a movie and goes and rents it.<br><br>She goes home, dims the lights, gets herself in the mood then when everything is ready she puts the tape in. Nothing but static, she fast forwards a bit, more static, knowing that there must be something there she keeps watching for an hour or so, on static waiting for something to happen.<br><br>Finally the video ends and she gets a bit frustrated and calls the video store. A guy picks up who she explains her problem to to which he replies "Well that happens sometimes if people leave their videos by magnets or something, what was the name of the movie you rented?" to which the lady<br>replies "Head cleaner"<br><br>Goodnight<br><br>M

[Gaspode_The_Wonder_Dog]

very little comedy....  :'(

[Guest]

Lol thats good  ;D my turn then.......<br><br>A man is walking along down an old stone path to which he comes across this hole in the path. He's a curious fellow so he decides to through a small pebble down the hole to see how deep it is. He drops it and hears nothing, so he looks around and finds a stone. So he throws that down the hole an hears nothing. At this point he is wondering how deep this hole really is so he looks round and notices a rather large Rock to which he picks up and drops down the hole and finaly he hears a great thud. <br>Pleased with himself as he has found out how deep the hole is he decides to get up. As he does so he notices a goat flying towards him. He quickly jumps out the way and to his shock the goat falls down the hole. <br>So the man quickly carries on his walk, as he moves along the path he bumps into a Farmer. The farmer comes over and asks him "Have you seen my goat around here?" The man was shocked seeing the goat go down the hole replies "No sorry"<br><br>The farmer then replies "oh! strange I left him tied to a large rock"

[Gaspode_The_Wonder_Dog]

maybe in like a hundred replies time we will get to funny ones....<br><br>Gaspode the "i have nothing to contribute" wonder dog

[Uglybob]

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.  The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.  Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats<br>them.  Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the  balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.<br>The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did?"  The guy says "No what?"  "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"   "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy.  "He eats everything in<br>sight, the little bastard.  Sorry.  I'll pay for everything."  The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.<br>Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him.  He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.  While the<br>man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.  "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No what?" replied the guy.  "Well, he stuck a cherry up his ass, pulled it<br>out and ate it!"  said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.<br>

[Gaspode_The_Wonder_Dog]

wow one that was funny. ;D ;D ;D

[jupiterlove]

like it bob!!!  ;D

[Ionic_Storm]

Martin wakes up and starts breathing.<br><br><br>Now THAT is funny!

[Uglybob]

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down<br>and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the *, mother * boss NOW" he says.<br><br>The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse<br>me sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".<br><br>The manager comes over to the bloke and the bloke says "Are you<br>the mother * chicken manager of this bastard joint?".<br><br>"Yes sir I am" replies the manager but I would prefer you not to use that kind of lanuage in this restaurant, as there are private parties<br><br>and clients entertaining in here". The bloke replies "* you anus features, where's the * piano?". The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation. "Where's the * piano, are you * deaf or what, you smelly stupid horse ridden shit?".<br><br>"Ah", says the manager, "You've come about the pianist job out of<br>the paper". "Too * right I have" the bloke replies. The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?" the manager asks.<br>The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "Thats<br>superb" gasps the manager, "What is it called?".<br><br>The bloke replies "I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my * end". The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks the manager a bit perplexed. The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Absolutely<br>magnificient" cries the manager, "What is it called?" "I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer" replies the bloke. The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered.<br>The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was marvellous, so moving" snivelled the manager. "What is that one called?" "Shagging<br>sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece" replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved by this music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any of his songs. The bloke accepts.<br><br>The arrangement goes marvellous for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the dining room in the restaurant and goes up to the staff toilets. Strangely enough, there is<br>a magazine stuffed behind the toilet seat. The bloke retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift chug and as he was shooting his load he heard the manager shouting "Where the *<br>is the pianist, has anyone seen him?".<br><br>The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Do you know, your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling jiz all over your shoes?"<br><br>The bloke replies "Know it? I * wrote it !!!"<br> <br>

[Guest]

pure genius<br>

[Eddie]

Brilliant, I actually laughed out loud for about a minute afterwards, tell us another Bob!<br><br>Eddie<br><br>*cracks up laughing* <br><br>(Sorry Martin, had to just copy your liitle manerism [the sentance with *'s at either end of it I mean!]....You seem to do it in every post...well nearly. I'm not complaining, I think it's funny!

[Gaspode_The_Wonder_Dog]

is that ian hislop with a wig on?

[Uglybob]

A man went to the doctors cos' he had a pain in his arse!then the doctor examined him and said he had assiritis.And then he prescribed the neccesary medication which was to stick a 8 inch stick up his ass every day.Then the doctor offered to show him for the first time so he did not forget,so he told the man to bend down.And then he shoved it up!<br><br>Then when he got home, he needed then next dose, so he got his wife to help him. Then his wife told him to bend down and he put one hand on his shoulder and shoved it up with her other hand, then he let out a scream.....<br>then the wife asked him, did i do it too hard?<br><br>Then the man replied, i just thought, the doctor had both hands on my shoulder!!!!!<br>

[Gaspode_The_Wonder_Dog]

that reminds me what does jake have in his hand in that avatar?

[Eddie]

I can honestly say I have never been described as Ian Hislop in a wig before! ;D

[Ionic_Storm]

Eddie - that is my little trademark thing. *Smug grin*<br><br>I think if I can get people to laugh with my actions in the real world, why not have a go here?

[Uglybob]

A plane crashes on a desert island and only three men survive.<br><br>As the men come to their senses they see another man approching them, as he gets closer he speaks to them,<br><br>"There is only one port on this island where you can get a ship to safety" he says, "However, I am a cannibal and i'm hungry so i'm going to make you a deal"...<br><br>"I'm going to get my dick out and if all three of your dicks put together are of equal size or bigger then i'll guide you to the port, if they are smaller I will kill you all and eat you".<br><br>All three men readily agree thinking there's no possible way they can lose.<br><br>As the cannibal gets his dick out, they see it's 20 inches long!<br><br>The first man of the three gets his out and it's 10 inches long, feeling confident now, the second man gets his 9 inches out. Finally the third man gets his dick out and although its only 1 inch long the trio still win the bet.<br><br>The cannibal keeps his word and leads them to safety. Sometime later on the boat home the first man begins to brag...<br><br>"You two are lucky my dick is 10 inches long you know", he says to his companions. They agree and congratulate the man on havin such a long penis.<br><br>After a while the second man says, "You two are very lucky my dick is 9 inches long or we would of been eaten by that cannibal back there", once again, his two companions agree.<br><br>As the night nears its end they ask the third man his thoughts on the experience, "All I have to say" begins the third man, "is that you two are damn lucky I had an erection"  <br>

[Uglybob]

One day as confessions were on in church the priest comes out of the confession box and asks the young man sweeping the floor to act as a priest for a minutes as he really needs to relieve himself. The priest tells him there is a chart of penance on the wall inside, so the young man agrees.<br><br>The first person enters to confess and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I stole some food from the supermarket." "You will be forgiven",replies the young man. He looks at the chart and says "10 Hail Mary's for your sins."<br><br>The second person enters to confess and says "Forgive me father. I lied to my mother yesterday" The young man looks for lying on the chart and says "You will be forgiven. Say 20 Hail Mary's for your sins."<br><br>The third person then enters and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. The postman called in last week and I gave him a blowjob." The young man looks at the chart but doesn't see blowjob on it. He opens the door and calls over one of the alter boys. "What does the priest give for blowjobs?" he asks. The young boy replies "A can of coke and a mars bar"<br>

[Guest]

both are tasteless my friend. you are keene.

[Clare]

A piece of string walked into a bar and asks for a drink and the barman says " r u a bit of string?" and he says "yes" and the barman says "sorry we dont serve bits of string"<br>So the second bit of string walks into the bar and asks for a drink and the barman says "r u abit of string?" and he says "yes" and the barmna says "sorry we dont serve bits of string"<br>Then the third bit of string muffles up his hair and goes into the bar and asks for a drink and the barman says "r u abit of string?" and he says "no, I'm a frayed knot"

[Guest]

Booom Boom!<br>Here's one fer you<br><br><br>Man walks into a bar.<br>Walked to hospital and got 24 stitches.<br><br><br>Hadehaha<br><br>Scott Mills Jokebook 2001

[stevotrash]

As the author of the 'Official Scott Mills Joke Book', I cannot remember including such a poor quality joke plus I'm the only person with a copy of it.<br><br>Perhaps the mentioned joke was included in an edition of 'Hoares Digest'?