[jpk]

Three turles, Joe, Gerry, and Ray go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with biscuits, bottles of coke and sandwiches. Trouble is, the picnic site is ten miles away, so the turtles take ten days to get there. By the time they arrive, everyone is exhausted. Joe begins to unpack. He takes out the bottles and say: "Alright, Gerry, gimme the bottle opener." <br><br>"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Gerry says. <br><br>"I thought you packed it." <br><br>Joe turns to Ray: "Do you have the bottle opener?" Ray doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without anything to drink. Joe and Gerry beg Ray to turn back home and retrieve it, but Ray flatly refuses, knowing that they'll have eat everything by the time he gets back. <br><br>After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Ray to go, swearing that they won't touch the food. So, Ray sets off down the road, slow and steady. <br><br>Three weeks pass, but no Ray. Joe and Gerry are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Anoher day passes and still there is no sign of Ray, but a promise is a promise. <br><br>After three more days without Ray in sight, Gerry Starts getting restless. "i need food," he cries. <br><br>"No," retorts Joe, "We promised." <br><br>Five more days pass. By now Joe and Gerry are desperate. So the two turtles weakly lift the lid of the picnic basket, take out a sandwich each, and open their mouths to eat. <br><br>Then right at that instant, Ray pops out from behind a rock, and shouts "I Knew it! I'm not blooming going!"<br>

[jonlopez]

How do u cure Micheal Barrymore?<br>       Put him in a straight jacket!<br>What's a 'wicker box'?<br>       Thats what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna<br>How can u tell a blind man at a nudist camp?<br>       .....it's not hard... ::)<br>

[Nablo.]

This topic has already been done so in other words I can't be bothered to do it again.

[jpk]

Duhhhh, thats right Dan, i forgot that you knew every joke thats ever been told - how stupid of me!!!!  ::)<br><br>Tell ya what - if you've got the time, you could tell m them all!!!<br><br>I just didn't want to put a joke into something like "The Birth of Trash" Thread - so i posted a new one! Hope Sir Diablo doesn't mind? Maybe you could suggest a title for my posts in future, seeing as i'm useless?

[Black_Ice]

Seeing as you are usless JPK and if Nablo dosn't mind I shall post a joke as I'm still in the funny mood from the jokes that have been told so far.<br><br>By the way I thought of this joke a few days ago to insult some university students, its not that good so don't bother reading it.<br><br>Q) How many university students does it take to screw in a light bulb? <br><br>A) Just the one, just give them about 3 years to figure out how to do it!<br><br>Ok well there we go, I'm not a joke teller and never will be. Just beware of black ice though, it can be leathal.

[jpk]

Two killer whales are swimming around in the arctic ocean.<br>One turns to the other and says, "See that fishing boat off in the distance? lets swim over and blow water out of our blow holes, ram the boat, and eat the fishermen?"<br><br>The second killer whale answers: "well, i am up for the blow job, but i don't swallow seamen."

[David]

Here's a joke:<br><br>J_Ho

[gem]

This man gets on to a crowded train and spots an empty seat by a nice lookind woman reading a book. He sits down beside her and after a while asks her what she'se reading.<br><br>"It's Fascinating Facts About Sex." She says. "Did you know that men from Poland have the longest penis's and American Indians have the widest. Oh my name's Jane by the way what's yours?"<br><br>"My name's Tonto Palowski." The man says.<br><br><br>Yet another  top comedy special brought to you by Gem  8)

[gregs]

There's this Australian guy walking down the road, he's got a sheep under one arm and a sheep under the other, and he sees his mate walking towards him. "G'day Bruce," he says. "G'day," replies his mate, "are you shearing?" "No, I'm going to * them both myself"<br><br><br>Jenny Frost - FHM - Feb 2002

[Gaspode_The_Wonder_Dog]

the jokes were quite funny everything was going well an atomic kitten ruin it. so often the case ???

[ZAQAZ]

why didnt the t.v work?? because it had no electricity. hahahahahahaha!!!! that was cool!!<br><br>why didnt the tree grow?? because it had no  water?? hahahahuuuuhaa

[Jonny Hoare]

here's a funny joke, when i sya its funnyI SIAD IT'S FUNNY ALRIGHT<br><br><br>Wait for it--<br><br><br>You there you know the punchline don't you....<br><br><br>He's worse than you me darling<br><br><br>Anyway the punchline is<br><br><br><br>DAVID LEWIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 (don't besmirch the hoaremeister)

[Nablo.]

Some of these jokes left by people are just so funny ::)

[john lopez]

Here's a good1 2 cheer some1 up down the pub etc. <br><br>I met this girl once.... ...i thought i was a really good lover.....untill i found out she had asthma ::)    :D

[jpk]

[quote author=Nablo Blues link=board=1;num=1010506107;start=0#12 date=01/10/02 at 16:33:59]Some of these jokes left by people are just so funny ::)[/quote]<br>Sorry we're not living up to your high standards of comedy Diablo. If you'd care to "show us how it's done!" That'd be really nice!!!<br><br>Your changing for the worse pal! Either your well stressed or just hanging around the bookie's too much!

[Nablo.]

I wasn't saying that I could do better, my statement was actually talking about those messages left by ZAQAZ not you! I havn't changed at all and I don't care if you don't like me because the feeling is more than mutual.

[jpk]

I think your Great Dan - i told you - an easy target  :)<br><br>But seriously - i admire how you take everything i say to heart - it shows me just how unstable you are.

[Nablo.]

Aw dear of you! Well nice to see you think of me as an easy target. I don't take all your messages to heart I tend to just reply to them anyway for the sake of it. I can't say I have been upset by any of them, I just pity you for it really!

[jpk]

Like a Book, Diablo. Like a Book......

[Jonny Hoare]

man walks in to a pub. buys a drink<br>nothing new there

[jonlopez]

A twenty stone woman is on top of her husband in bed. She sais to him " can u turn off the light hun?"<br>     "why? do u prefer it in the dark? does it make u horny?<br>   "no.... the light bulb is burning me arse"  :)

[Jonny Hoare]

that's like reality for me.<br><br>luv ya really nicola.

[jon lopez]

a couple of stupid ones-<br><br>What do u call a gay dinosaur?<br>                             - megasaurass!<br><br>What do u call a lesbian dinosaur?<br>                             - Lickalotofpuss!!  :P

[Uglybob]

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:
'Honey, could you fix the hall light? It's been flickering for weeks now.'
He looks at her and says, angrily: 'Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have Northern Electric printed on my forehead? I don't think so!'
Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly.'
'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't think so!'
'Fine,' she says, 'Well then, could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break up.' 'Does it look as though I've got B&Q written on my forehead? don't think so.
I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub.'
So, he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices the steps are fixed and the light has
stopped flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.
'Honey, how did all these get fixed?'
'Well,' she said 'When you left, I sat outside and cried. Just
then a nice young man asked me what was wrong - so I told him. He
offered to do all the repairs and all I had do was either bake him a cake OR have sex with him.'
'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?'
'She replied: 'HELLO!!!..... Do you see Mr Kipling written on my
forehead? I don't think so!'