The chrismoyles.net TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris
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Hi My names Ben and welcome to this my 1st review on MoylesWorld. Seeing as week 3 people stared last week I’ve got some catching up to do!! Anyway just to let you all know my name is Ben and I’m 20 and do not have anything better to do!! I am your regular Wednesday reviewer and I will try to include all the links and songs that are played on the show. I will then try and give my opinions on the show and say what is funny and what sucked although it is only my opinion. You may of course e-mail me on this address mailto:[email protected] and I’m sure that the link has been provided, I will try and include some opinions at the top of next weeks column. I’m also reviewing the show as live so I can only apologise that I won’t be quoting much just giving a general view of whats going on Anyway I’ve been boring you all for long enough so lets get to the show god dammit!!!

Chris Moyles 3-5:45 Wednesday 5th September

Get that unique Jordan look with new ‘Strap-on Baps’ remember they should be inflated by a professional not some idiot from a petrol station.

Chris says good luck to.........Wales. And now we get the glorious Radio 5 commentary of England V Germany from Saturday. If you don’t know the result, it went quite well for England. And we segue right into........

Redman- Smash Somethin’ (quite good for a rap record)
Chocolate Puma- I wanna be U (again quite good for a dance record)

Chris starts the link with some comedy belches. Chris and Will have apparently become experts on football. Chris thinks that all the home nations are on 1side of pitch and their opponents are on the other and it takes Dave to explain the concept to them. They then proceed to take the piss out of Wales because they can’t qualify for the World Cup. Chris also thinks that golden wooden spoons should be given for those who finish bottom. Chris proceeds to then do the WORST Welsh accent ever. Being half Welsh myself, even I’m pretty bad at it!! Lizzy then tells everyone that the Wales game is not on BBC Wales. Chris then proceeds to tell the team that its Mike Baldwin from Coronation Streets 66th birthday and his real name is Johnny Briggs which was apparently a kids TV show although buggered if I can remember it! Dave tells us about a kids show called the ‘New Shmoo’ or summat and another one I don’t remember, Chris talks about Sports Billy and I realise that I’m not as sad when it come to TV as I thought. Oh yeah a record comes on:

Spooks- Sweet Revenge (I like Spooks, Things I’ve seen was one of the best records of the year)

Chris then tells us that the Wales match on IS on BBC2 Wales. Lizzie apparently doesn’t want to be slapped silly, just daft. Will then does it to Lizzie. Chris admits his obsession with slapping and that his girlfriend is going to get some serious slapping. Chris then tells the story of his girlfriend getting her wisdom tooth taken out from yesterdays show and that the dentist didn’t think he had said any of that but the tooth has now been graded down to a 4. Chris reckons ‘she should go next Tuesday and then it’ll be down to 0’. Chris then talks about the Bitches in the Daily Star who Chris wants to turn in the princesses of tabloid journalism. Chris and Will then compare the bitches and Chris then shows Will a picture of the bitches with Nicole Kidman at the Moulin Rouge premiere. Dave and Chris then have a great argument about Nicole Kidmans (she’s really tall and Tom Cruise was really small etc.) height and the fact that Dave brought the wrong size duvet cover (along with Dave saying how he needs a king-size cover for extra comfort) and that Dave is under the thumb. Dave argues that he was watching the football tonight so he took her shopping yesterday. Chris then says that his girlfriend is going straight to be bed tonight and how that works out great for everyone

Sara Cox trailer

OPM- Heaven is a Halfpipe (great tune although getting a bit tired of it now)

Chris then goes on a rant about Chappers from the breakfast show and the wrestling challenge. Its on too early so I didn’t hear it but I must be the only person who can’t stand Chappers (reminds me to much of Ginna from Zoë Ball’s show) so I hope Chris kicks his ass!!

3:30 News with Trudy
Chris then asks Trudy about the last story of the news which was the ‘most annoying world record ever’ for ring tones in unison. Chris reckons the most annoying world record would be 200 Chappers impersonators. He then takes Trudy to task over her pronunciation of the word Puffy. She then gets the ‘Chase me, chase me’ catchphrase wrong meaning that Chris thinks that she is ‘boffing Rob McKenzie behind his missus’ back!’ to keep her job because of the mistakes being made!!

Alien Ant Farm- Smooth Criminal (best record out at the moment)
The Banzai guy wishes England good luck
Sophie Ellis-Bextor- Take me Home (good pop tune)

Chris replays the banzai clip and the bit where ‘we hope you beat Albania good and proper’. Chris reveals that Dave spelt proper the way that the banzai guy says it (pwoppah). Chris then tries to persuade Will to change his insurance by reading out an advert with some cheesy gifts being offered (such as a carriage or alarm clock) he then reveals the benefits (peace of mind, 1st month free) then tells Will that its one of those 50-80 year old life cover schemes that Frank Windsor does that populate various digital TV channels. Will thinks he will live longer than the other and then Chris, Dave and Lizzy reel off Bon Jovi reference (‘Ill sleep when I’m dead) effortlessly. Chris then appeals for any Albanians listening to the show to e-mail in so that he can make friends with them and wish them good luck for the game tonight. Will then says that they should learn some Albanian phrases for the game. Dave says that they need genuine Albanians. Chris then does a scouse accent of someone trying to be Albanian

Dido- Hunter (fine song from a great album)

Chris then asks Dave how the Albanian hunt was going, Dave reveals that there were no genuine Albanians had e-mailed yet. Chris then say thanks to his girlfriends dentist and she has took her to task about the way he says ‘tooth’. Chris then rings Anna up on the air and she reveals that the feeling is coming back to the mouth and she is dribbling a lot. Chris and Anna then have an argument about their relative driving skills. Anna then reveals that Dave’s lass Emma is coming round to the flat so Dave and Chris can watch the game in the pub in peace. Chris then cuts her off because she is annoying her and reveals he is getting plastered tonight. I get the feeling Chris is in a lot of trouble later!!

England-Albania trailer

J-Lo Play (terrible record and am I the only man in the world who doesn’t find her sexy in the slightest)

Chris then thinks that the J-Lo record is rude to DJ’s (the ‘play my mother-f***ing song line) and her and Dave go on a great rant about her being out for a piss up or at a wedding reception and doing that line (‘No love, we haven’t got Aggado now sod off!’)

Silicone Soul- Right on (theme tune to Ibiza Uncovered on Sky)

Chris says he’s still after some Albanians and ruins the beginning of:

Nelly Furtado- Turn off the Light (great tune much better than I’m like a bird)
Notorious BIG, Puff Daddy and Mace- Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems ( I know I’m opening a huge can of worms but this is my favourite rap record ever)

Chris then can’t make up his mind up what piece of music to play for when he is talking to Albanians. Chris goes through his list of music of Countries that he has. Will and Dave choose Russia and play a slow and plodding piece of music. Chris reckons the CD is the most racist he has. He then picks the Dutch music which is called ‘Clog Dancing’. Line one is a man who speaks with an English accent but Chris thinks he is not really Albanian. The caller then speaks in some foreign language which sorts of convinces Chris.. He gets VERY shirty with Chris because he is trying to make peace with the caller but the caller then says that there has not been a war between the two countries. He thinks that the score will be 3-1 to England and that he is a handyman. Chris then cuts him off and I think what a miserable sod that guy was.

Kylie- I can’t get you out of my head (from One Big Sunday, its a great pop song, better than that Victoria Beckham pile of nonsense)

‘Clog Dancing’ comes back on and Chris reveals that Kylie wanted to slap Chris’s bottom. Caller number 2 is Bujar who reveals that he is on his way to Newcastle for the game and he has lived in Britain for 9 years. Bujar then says that it is a very rural country and that the women in Albania are very hairy. He thinks that the score will be 1-0 to Albania. He then chants something in Albanian and the team haven’t got a clue what it was! Chris then says he has made peace with Albania so when we trounce them 10-0 he won’t feel so bad!!

Final One Big Sunday trailer

Roger Sanchez- Another Chance (great tune)

Chris reveals he has another Albanian on the line but Will reckons he has heard enough from them. Chris and Dave wonder if the Albanians are gonna be talking like the banzai guy. Chris then reveals that Will’s football knowledge has been improving and Will says he has been ‘boning up’ Chris wonders aloud if that means his girlfriend hasn’t been around lately. Chris then invites callers to ring up and challenge his and Will’s footballing knowledge. Will proceeds to blow the link by forgetting the punchline (‘....on SportTalk’) and then refuses to takes one of Dave’s catchphrases (‘Hello’ after his name is said). This leads to Dave and Chris coming up with some other catchphrases such as ‘I’m a pillock’ and ‘I resign’.

Charlatans- Love is the Key (wicked tune, one of the best at the mo)

Chris, Dave and Will then get the link right. Chris threatens to bring back the ‘Bang Wills head against the studio window’ feature from yesterday. Chris invites people to ring up and ask him and Will football questions about the home nations.

4:30 News and Sport with Trudy and Juliette
The news get screwed up because another voice is played over the news and Chris tries to make sense of it with Juliette

Chris then asks about a clip of Don King from 5 Live this morning. They then say that Don King should go into ‘Poodle Promotion. They play the clip of David Beckham from the clip and reveals that he says y’know 3 times in 6 seconds. Chris and Juliette have an argument about how the England players are playing down the German result and how they should get more excited. Chris says that he has nearly been on the show as he stood on the other side of the glass (presumably when Posh was on) Juliette makes a potentially libellous comment about how Beckham and his relationship with someone in the studio at which point Chris wishes her good luck at Virgin Sport.

Superman Lovers- Starlight (Chris also plays a Hall and Oates record because they sound similar, Will objects because it is a very old record)
Shaggy- not sure what its called (same old crap anyway)

Chris then compares the Shaggy tune to an old Zig and Zag record. Chris reveals how much he enjoyed them, I agree, they were splendid. Its time for Sports Talk with Will Kinder and Chris Moyles ( theyre taking the piss out of TalkSport if you haven’t already guessed). Caller1 is Ben from Gloucester who asks when Northern Ireland won their last match, after about 4 guesses Chris says 1998. Mark is on line 2 and he asks ‘ Who are the two Warrens who have played for England?’ they first say Frank and Clive but Warren is the christian name. Dave tells them one is Barton and the other is Peter Beardsly as in ‘Warrenuglybugger’. Chris compliments him on the joke and tells him he starts on the Scott Mills show on Monday. Line 3 is Josh who is 12 and he wants to know who was number 17 for England and Chris says ‘thats right’, Will thought it was Pele, he then reveals it was Robert Lee and Chris says he was right and thats what he had said. Line 4 is a miserable git who wants to know who was the first continental team to beat England in England. Will and Chris then proceed to come up with various quotes such as two teams are playing and they played for 90 minutes but being very vague about it. Will (with help from Dave) thinks its Portugal but its really Hungary

The Cooper Temple Cause- Lets go music (not sure if thats the right title but it was a great song)

One Big Summer trailer

Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg- Next Episode (has a record been played on this station more than this?)

Another edition of SportTalk and on line 1 is Rob whose question is some trivia question about the world cup 1998 which Chris blows off. Brian on line 2 asks how many international caps has David Beckham got, they say several. Line three asks Will who has replaced Nigel Martyn in the squad tonight, Will answers (again with Dave’s hindrance) Richard Wright when the answer is actually Ian Walker. Methinks that Dave is trying to make Will look daft?!?

Samantha Mumba- Come on over tonight- (not very good really)

5:00 News and Sport with Trudy and Juliette
Trudy screws up again speaking before the music kicks in.
Chris then compliments the girls on their ‘whacky’ chats after the news and how the girls might be upset. Chris thinks that Juliette has to go home to look at some male porn. Chris then asks Will what he’s done to upset them. Juliette argues that she didn’t know which one they were talking too. Chris goes on a rant again and tells Trudy about the fluff she made. Juliette wants to ask the football experts on ‘SportTalk’ a question which was ‘Who did Andy Cole score his first goal in international competition against?’ Will knows that he was against a goalie and thinks its Spain (another answer Dave gave him) Juliette told him that they are playing them tonight so Will goes for Albania and is correct. The next question is ‘How many international caps has Michael Owen got?’ which then turns into a game of play your cards right. Will (after about 20 guesses) gets the answer right at 31.

Kosheen- Hide U (a very average record)
Destinys Child-Jumpin Jumpin (good tune)

Chris and Will then have an argument about noise and then announces that hes auditioning for Newsbeat (with his lack of noise). Another edition of SportTalk and Will is asked his opinion of the football. He tells us that Wales and Norway may have a chance of going through (only for Chris to tell them that they can’t go through). Will then think that Iceland wear coats when they play (actually they play in blue but thats another matter that only Stoke City fans will know about) and he thinks that the luck of the Irish will carry Northern Ireland through (although Will thought that they weren’t playing Iceland), Will then think that Scotland may have a chance with Belgium. Will then thinks that England should keep a cool head by strapping an ice pack on their head using chin stripes (Chris is doing a really bad Scotish accent the whole time) and goes to Dave for travel who helpfully tells us that its ‘busy on the roads’ and Lizzy for the travel.

Mercury Rev- Night and Day (fab new record from one of my fave bands)

Radio 1 TV trailer

They start the Ian Van Dahl song with Dave’s version called ‘Tell me why, all the football is on sky’ which goes right into ‘Castle in the Sky (Chris takes the piss out of Dave because the match is on BBC 1 tonight)

Chris decides to ring Chappers to annoy him and at this point my sister came into the room to talk about her 1st day at 6th form. All I heard was the Rocky theme and got the gist that Chris was gonna kick Chapper’s ass!! The highlight was Dave wailing ‘Challenge Chappers’ at various points.

Eve and Gwen Stefani- Let me blow ya mind (great song)

Dave then reveals that there is only one thing that can rhyme with stefani and that he can’t say it on the radio. Will confirms that its an Ali G phrase. Chris then tries to figure out what it was and comes up with some answers such as ‘your army’. He then goes out and says that it was another word for fanny which is of course the american for bottom

Sum 41- Fat Lip (good song but someone has been listening to the beastie boys for singing style methinks)

Chris then wishes good luck to England, Scotland and Northern Ireland and tells the Welsh to try and enjoy the game

Spiritulized - Come on Baby, Stop your crying (gorgeuos)

Chris reckons thats the record that they ae going to play to Chappers after their wrestling match. Chris reveals that the UK pitbulls are going to be training him.

One last cry of good luck from Banzai guy

Dave Pearce is on at 6 its 5:45

Conclusion- Sorry for this report being super long its my 1st review and I will try and be shorter next week. As for the show, another fine effort today with nothing being actively bad but nothing being really great (although Will’s pathetic attempt at football knowledge is always good for a laugh) and oh yeah one more thing...................:

COME ON ENGLAND!!!!!!

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