The chrismoyles.net TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris
#241907
Bonjour Bonjour!!! (...go on, take a wild guess where I’ve been)

1. Britney Spears - Toxic 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. The Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up, 3. The Rasmus - In The Shadows, 4. Deepest Blue - Give It Away, 5. BUZZ OFF - Martha Reeves and The Vandellas - Dancing In The Street, 6. Avril Lavigne - Complicated 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Dannii Minogue - Put The Needle On It, 8. N*E*R*D - She Wants To Move, 9. Eamon - F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back), 10. The Thrills - Santa Cruz (You’re Not That Far) 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Big Brovaz - Nu Flow, 12. Franz Ferdinand - Matinée, 13. Busted - Air Hostess, 14. 50 Cent - If I Can’t 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Justin Timberlake - Like I Love You, 16. Narcotic Thrust - I Like It, 17. Snow Patrol - Run, 18. The Wonderstuff - Size Of A Cow (Tedious Link), 19. Jamelia - Thank You, 20. Ash - Orpheus, 21. The Streets - Fit But You Know It 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. Kylie Minogue - Can’t Get You Out Of My Head, 23. Outkast - The Way You Move, 24. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck

Yep, I’m back from my week in Paris...although it seems that Dominic Byrne slightly peed on my chips a bit by going there the weekend prior to me, ah well. If today’s show was anything to go by then I didn’t miss much last week as it was lacklustre to say the least. Final show ratings by the team kind of reflected this fact, with Chris giving today’s show a whopping 3 out of 10. Wes is in for Nemone on Early Breakfast while she’s training for The Olympics, and he peed Chris off straight away today by overrunning 17 seconds into his time with Ultrabeat (which is why there really was no excuse). Wes told Chris he is on a bit of a health kick at the moment and said he would be walking all the way home from work after his 7:40 Chart Recap (apparently he walked home all last week as well). Chris didn’t believe him as Wes was in the “Spotted” section of this mornings paper, apparently seen hailing a cab on Great Portland Street (after his show last week). Chris ordered Wes to set off home straight away and said he should do his chart recap on the phone instead of in the studio. Wes protested (in vain) and did a funny Bert Kwouk noise that started off the show in style. Yesterday was the London Marathon and Dom was inquisitive about what constitutes a slow time. Rachel has of course *run the London marathon y’know* (although a few years back) and she said that her time wasn’t slow. She said it was about 5 hours 27 minutes and 43 seconds (just a rough guess). Chris tried to do a gag about doing the marathon in a taxi but Dom screwed up the set up and ruined it. Chris said the team should all walk the London Marathon next year (will they balls) and Dave supported the idea...
Dave - As long as we’re back for Monday morning
Chris - Yeah
Dave - That’s if we’re still doing the breakfast show next year
Chris - Course we will, have you heard the rest of the line up?

Jules was presenting part of the BBC’s Marathon coverage on TV yesterday, although only Dave from the team actually saw her. Granted though he didn’t hear her, as the satellite feed abruptly cut out as the person she was interviewing stopped talking. Dave then flicked over to the Villa - Newcastle pay per view match he’d ordered. Chris didn’t see her as he was too busy giving out teddies and Power Rangers to childrens hospitals in London...of course. Jules described her TV outfit to him. It consisted of a red track suit, white top, green combat trousers and red sports bra. This last comment got the early morning pervs out in force on the text. The people who saw Jules on the box yesterday said “she is gorgeous”, “she’s a hottie” and (my personal favourite) “I would”.
Chris - There really are a lot of neanderthal knuckle draggers who listen to the show...bouncing off the wall in their straight jackets, texting with their teeth
(Dom, Dave and Rachel laugh)

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(Jules for any pervs who are dying for a pic now)
Buzz Off today had a bit of a Motown vibe going on. It was the January 69 number 4 classic Dancing In The Street by Martha Reeves and The Vandellas. 56% of all texts wanted it off after a minute so the listeners buzzed in, Dave was next on 2:28, Rachel followed on 2:31 and Aled brought up the rear (so many gags) on 2:34. Chris chatted briefly about Rebecca Loos who’s on Richard and Judy’s show today on Channel 4. She’s the girl who had that affair with David Beckham...allegedly. Chris said he couldn’t give his opinion on the matter in fear of being sued, but just said he hopes Richard and Judy stand up and be counted this afternoon, and that they don’t pussyfoot around her. Shock horror there was no mention of Leeds’ Friday 5-0 thrashing at Arsenal on the show today, although there was a brief bit of chat involving the Everton game (very loosely - weak link that one). Dave was at Stamford Bridge watching them play Chelsea when Chris got a text from Liz A.K, inviting him, Dave, Sophie and Emma out that night. He said he didn’t have a clue who “Liz A.K” was so turned down the offer straight away. However after looking at the papers this morning, it became obvious it was from Everton fan Liz McClarnon...of Atomic Kitten fame. It was her 23rd birthday party in a swanky London club on Saturday night (note: swanky). Chris wondered why on earth he had been invited to it as he always thought she regarding him as a moron.

WES LIVE FROM PRIMROSE HILL:>>>
Steve Penk’s spiky haired love child was back on the show at 7:40, and as Chris had ordered earlier, he was live on the phone while walking home from work. Wes said he was on the GOYFA (get off your fat ass) diet as he was unhappy with all the smoking and drinking he did last week. He sounded genuinely out of breath as he climbed Primrose Hill in London Village, going right to the top to describe the scenic early morning view to the millions of listeners across the world. However, Wes was so knackered he couldn’t talk. Chris said he was proud of him, although the birds tweeting in the background didn’t sound real to say the least. Wes insisted that he definitely wasn’t at home with his feet up and a sound effects CD on. He read out the chart while surrounded by devil dogs and dog walkers in the park, which meant he kept breaking off to smile at passers by and therefore kind of ruined the momentum of the top 10 rundown. Eamon is number one with F**k It this week, which Chris couldn’t believe. I don’t know why cos in my opinion it’s a top tune - although D12 at number two is also a great record (although it does go on a bit). I like the sound of Johnny Vaughan discussing if the Eamon behind the F**k It song is Eamon Holmes, that was this morning apparently on his first ever Capital FM Breakfast Show (you can get it on Sky Digital Channel 925 from 6-9am and the best bits on this page each day - well I can’t as I have a Mac not Windows so can’t listen via Windows Media Player...rrr).
Listen Again to This Weeks Official Chart with Wes here
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Chris was looking at BAFTA stuff in the morning’s papers - mainly for the purposes of perving on the scantily clad women of course. The ones to catch his eye in particular were Jenni Falconer (hubba hubba) and Kirsty Gallacher...famous for erm, I can’t remember. Chris said it certainly wasn’t for her presenting skills on Kirsty’s Home Videos and said she should just shut her mouth and get her top off, as that’s all anyone cares about...a fair point. This topic was discussed further at half time (*cough* shortage of material *cough*) as Dave, Jules and even Aled all put in their two pennies worth about her knockers. Dave compared them to spaniels ears, which Chris wasn’t having any of. Surprisingly Reverse-a-Word wasn’t up for any BAFTA’s this year, although Dave said that was only because it had been broadcast too late to qualify. I have seen it, albeit on the net in poor quality (you ask someone to tape one thing for you while your away and they still manage to screw it up...jesus). I thought it was utter tripe...although clearly on purpose. Dave did a fake speech (as if he was collecting a BAFTA for Reverse-a-Word) just after the 8:00 news. Chris played two tracks at 9:15 that were both cover versions...sung by cats. Dave described the versions of Bohemian Rhapsody and 2 Unlimited as muck, which I think is still a bit flattering. The songs were sung by Ricky Kitty and The Claws, obviously big players on the highly competitive animal music scene. Having slating the two songs I still have to say that I prefer them to that bloody Narcotic Thrust record. I’m sure it’s no coincidence it started to tip it down when that came on on my walk to college this morning.
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DOM MEETS UMA:
It’s Hollywood A-Lister time again for the bald headed Byrne boy, with sexy Uma Thurman next on his list later this week (I think tomorrow). She is in the country plugging Kill Bill Volume 2, which by all accounts is meant to be better than Volume One (some feat). Volume One is out on DVD this week if anyone wants to send me it for my birthday, ta. Dom and Kill Bill addict Aled both saw the new film last week and agreed it was brilliant. Dom’s interview time with Uma has been reduced from at first 20 minutes, to 10 minutes, and possibly now down to five minutes. Him and Chris discussed possible questions. These included the regular cheese and Back To The Future ones, “Would you like to come down the pub with us?”, “What’s your nickname?” (Dave guessed it would be “Um” - pronounced “oo”) and “Would you like to come to the bingo with us?”. Chris wowed the team by pulling out his Mecca Bingo Membership Card from his wallet.

ONE BIG WEEKEND IN DERRY - VIP TICKETS:
One Big Weekend in Derry is this weekend and all week on the show it’s the big VIP Ticket competition, giving away the last few pairs of Sunday tickets - including on Friday upgraded tickets to the overall winner, with a prize encompassing backstage passes, VIP guest area passes, side stage views, a nice hotel suite, transport to you to the gig from your house (UK entries only obviously)...and last but not least a free helicopter ride down onto The Prehen Playing Fields. Not bad I’m sure you’ll agree. Chris from Derry won today after his mate Rosin correctly answered the phone with today’s password “Hello Radio One, Give Me My One Big Weekend Tickets!!” (genius). Chris was second on the line after Karla Watts from Portsmouth got cut off on the train but nevertheless he goes into Friday’s VIP final draw. To stand a chance of joining him then go to Option 6 on 08700 100 100 or register at Radio 1 ONLINE. Chris was unhappy that his 20 minutes of OBW trail pre-records have been cut down to just “Franz Ferdinand” in the latest one. He played a little chime on the xylophone (god knows why that was in the studio) and read out an on air internal BBC Memo to Colin, the guy that makes the trails. Dave read out an internal memo about loo roll and Aled one about photocopiers. Chris said it was a lot quicker than typing out boring e-mails. Rachel wouldn’t read out something she had been saying off the air on the air which peed off Chris and made him call her a yellow belly.
CHINESE KARAOKE AND THE MISSING 400 QUID:>>>
Because Dave will be away in Derry over the weekend (when it’s his birthday), he had a bit of a surprise early birthday party thrown for him last Friday night (unbeknown to him). He just presumed him and the wife were going down the local Chinese for a nice quiet meal with a couple of mates...until they entered the top floor of the restaurant to find it full of his friends, family and work colleagues all in on this birthday surprise. Dave said he’d been involved in setting up stuff like that before (i.e Chris’s birthday show last year) but said that when you’re on the receiving end of the surprise it’s a different matter entirely. Dave said he was slightly overwhelmed by it all but thoroughly enjoyed the night, in particular the karaoke singing from Vernon, Chappers and Dom. Himself and Chris sang One Week by The Barenaked Ladies. Chris said his girlfriend sang about 15 different tunes on the night (like Vernon) and Tony Byrne and his missus duetted on Fernando by Abba, although Tony changed the lyrics to Roonaldo (not Fernando) without consulting her...resulting in an almighty sound clash. At the end of the night as the masses piled out, Chris and Tim from Accounts were left to sort out the bill, supposedly made up of 40 quid donated by each person present. Chris didn’t tell Dave this till this morning, but the bill was 400 quid short so he had to make up the difference. He said he wouldn’t be buying Dave a birthday present now (which Dave fully understood), but said he didn’t care about the fact that he had paid £400 for rice - more that a few people (well ten to be exact) hadn’t coughed up the cash they were supposed to. The Witch Hunt was on.
Dave - I’m sure there’s some innocent explanation
Chris accused Vernon Kay of not paying in full, so he rang him after the 9:30 news. Vernon temporarily forgot they were on the air at one point and told Chris (in an Eamon stylee) to F*** off. No-one seemed to notice as his line was poor. Vernon only paid 38 quid not 40, but was convinced Chris’s brother didn’t pay at all. Chris said he’d ring him to investigate further. Chris and Vernon are on for another round of Bolton v Leeds on the Xbox today, Chris is winning 2-0 at the moment.

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
JAMES a heating engineer from Northfield 2
BEN an air conditioning engineer from Portsmouth 0

Daves Tedious Link
Wildchild Renegade Master 98’ - “Renegade” is a word often associated with jeeps while a master is somebody at the top of their profession - “Profession” shares many of the same letters as percussion, which is something you find in an orchestra - If you add an “l” to the end of orchestra you get orchestral, as in Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark, who had a top 7 hit in 1991 with Pandora’s Box - In the world of literature Pandora was the name of the love interest in The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, the famous novel by Sue Townsend - Sue Townsend shares the same surname as Andy Townsend, who now makes a living as a pundit - A pundit shouldn’t be mistaken for a punnet, which is a receptacle used for the collection and transportation of strawberries - Strawberries are often served with cream - Cream of a different type can be used to alleviate the symptoms of genital discomfort - If you remove the last five letters of “discomfort” you’re left with disco, which is an abbreviation of the French word discotheque, meaning disco - As well as being an ideal environment for dancing, Discos are also a type of crisps - and if you lived on a diet made up entirely of crisps, your weight would surely increase so much so, that within a matter of months you’d be about the size of a cow* - Which links us to The Wonderstuff and Size Of A Cow

*A few texters wondered if this was true. Chris said he’d put it to the test and informed Aled that for the next month he is only allowed to eat crisps. At the end of that period the plan is then to compare and contrast his size with the average measurements of a cow and see whether or not Dave was right.

THE BIG KICK OFF
I was listening to a bit of Sara Cox this afternoon (accidental I can assure you) and happened to hear Chappers talking about his and Dave’s new Radio 1 Saturday Sports Show. It has been given a confirmed starting date of Saturday May 15th 2004 (1-3pm) and according to Chappers, the show’s tag line is going to be “Filling the hole till JK and Joel arrive”...*insert your own gag here*.

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