- Sat Sep 14, 2002 10:51 pm
#25854
How to P**s off a celebrity:
Okay,here we go.I've now had the chronology of events independently verified.
A week last Saturday.I arrive at the breakfast buffet feeling slightly groggy.In fact we may have tipped over into brunch.Great,loads more fruit and veg.I settle for a beer.I'm looking around the room and there, three tables away,is Dana Scully. She's with a man,a child and an older woman.I can't resist it.
"Hey, hey," I call out to Dana. "Aren't you that woman who played Lister's girlfriend in the last series of Red Dwarf?"
"No, sorry."
"Yes you are.Remember? She was a different actress from the one who played her in series one.It was you! Definitely!"
"No,sorry.It wasn't me.I've never heard of Red Dwarf."
I allow a puzzled look to envelop my features."Are you sure? I think it was you.Perhaps you've forgotten."
"I've not forgotten.I've never been in Red Dwarf.Now,if you'll excuse us." Dana nibbles at an oddly shaped pulse.Man glowers at me.Previously boisterous child is stilled by older woman.A few minutes later,Dana and party rise and are forced by geography to pass our table.
"What's he like that Craig Charles? I bet it's a laugh an hour on set, eh? He's doing Ripley's Believe it or Not now on Bravo.Are you in that?"
Dana smiles,says nothing and leaves the room.I get a b**locking but this hound has the scent of a hare.
I go back to bed for a while.Late afternoon and we're by the pool. Dana slips onto a stool by the bar-alone.I sidle over.
"There's nothing to be ashamed of you know.Red Dwarf is a very popular show and you were great in it."
Dana- says, "Thanks but honestly it wasn't me.The actress you're thinking of deserves the praise."
I adopt a hushed,conspiratorial tone."Listen, I know all about Craig Charles' reputation.He was all over the papers for a while.If you don't want me to bring it up while you're man's around I understand." I wink.
"I don't want you to..." That's as far as she gets.She downs her drink and pushes past me.
Cut to the next morning.Wandering through the lobby I see Dana and the man talking to the Duty Manager.The man nods his head in my direction. I go over.
"Look, I owe you an apology," I say. "You weren't in Red Dwarf. I was confused.I know where I've seen you You were Dr. Who's assistant in that last film thing weren't you? You know,the one with that McGann guy in.I thought it was fantastic."
"No, no," shouts Dana. "I'm Gillian Anderson.I'm in the X-Files.Please leave us alone."
"X-Files? I've never heard of it.What's it about?"
The Duty Manager pipes up."I think you're bothering this lady,Sir.Can't you just enjoy your holiday and..."
"Hang on," I exclaim."Is it on the Living Channel around midnight.The one where they talk about,er,you know,sex toys and things..."
"That's quite enough," says the man, putting his arm around Dana."Come on.He'll get sick of this before we do."
That evening.We're strolling down a lane to the village.Dana and man drive past in a jeep.I yell after them,"What about Quantum Leap? Were you in that?"
Early next morning, I'm leaning over the balcony gulping in some oxygen when Dana and her party emerge down the plantation steps followed by a porter trolleying an enormous pile of luggage."Are you moving on?" I cry, "Where are you going?Back to the mainland?We're leaving on Wednesday.We'll catch you up."
They look up at me but keep on walking.
"Have you got an e-mail address?" I persist. "What's your phone number?"
They clamber into the jeep.
Top of my voice."Got it! Babylon V wasn't it?I loved that..."
Jeep roars away into the distance.
Then,an ancient radio player containing Johnny Hates Jazz's finest arcs over my head and plops into the swimming pool below.I suppose I deserved that.
chrismoyles.net
I'm trying to remember the first record I had sex to.
"Theres no one quite like Grandma"
Yuk!! That's vile!
