[Uglybob]

2 of my personal favourites

How many pervs does it take to change a light bulb?
1, but it takes an entire fire brigade to get it out

A fella goes to the optometreist. The doctor tells him "You've got to stop yanking your plank!"
He replied "Why, Am I going blind"
"No", the doctor explained, "But youre upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.

[Morals]

Sorry if this has already been posted....

There's a guy walking past a fence and he hears chanting from the other side. "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Curisosity gets the better of this bloke, and seeing a small hole in the fence, he decides to see what the chanting is all about. He puts his eye up to the hole and somebody pokes a stick in his eye, causing him to reel back in pain. The chanting starts up again. "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!..."

[M+L Fan II]

M + L fan you stole my joke. oh well i stole it off ralph little to post it here

Sorry I couldn't be arsed to read the 6 pages before I posted, so I didn't mean to replicate your joke.

[M+L Fan II]

-Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

And that one was from one of Mark and Lard's features

[Bridgie]

lol. mark and lard always tell funny old jokes

[Mr Dion]

ok this is officially the funniest joke in the world. in a recent publication by scientists who have studied ove 2million people...this was the best.

two new jersey me go hunting when suddenly one of them begins to cough and drops to the ground. he stops moving and his eyes glaze over. the other hunter panics and isnt sure what to do. he calls the emergency services and tells the operater what happened.
'what do i do hes just lyin there i think hes dead, i dont no what to do.
the operator says
' calm down sir. the first thing you need to do is make sure the your friend is dead.'

there is a silence at the other end and then a single gun shot
the hunter somes back on the fone and says
'ok ive done that...what now?'

[Sidders]

Three men arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter comes out to meet them.
"Ok," says St. Peter "I'll need to check you're elligable to come in. How did you die?"

The first man tells his story:
"I got home from work and found my wife lying naked in bed. I didn't trust her, so I started searching the house for bas***d that was sleeping with my wife. I went out to the balcony and saw some fingers gripping on to the edge of the balcony. I got a hammer and hit the fingers and the man fell off, but a bush broke his fall. To finish him off I chucked the fridge over the edge of the balcony and killed him. I felt so guilty about killing a man that I jumped off the balcony myself and that's how I died."

The second man then tells his story:
"I was painting a balcony when I slipped and fell, but managed to grip on to the edge of the balcony. The next thing I knew someone hit my fingers with a hammer, so I lost my grip and fell. I landed in a bush, and the next thing I knew a fridge came flying towards me and that's how I died."

The third man:
"I was hiding in the fridge."

[Gigglyboots]

But that funniest joke in the world...nah! Some of you lots are a heck of a lot funnier!

[Funky Drummer]

*blush* aw...thanks

[Gigglyboots]

Tis true. Maybe ad should wing over here and give himself a laugh! But the supposed funniest joke is soo lame, kinda *groan* type of joke.

[Funky Drummer]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer.

[Funky Drummer]

The Mental Health Institute Helpline:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:”

1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

2. If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

3. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

4. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

5. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

6. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

7. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.

8. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on line.

9. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

10. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

11. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

12. If you have low self-esteem please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you."

[Funky Drummer]

Women's Top Ten Men:

1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"

2. The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

6. The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"

8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice

[Funky Drummer]

Telephone Conversations:

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff Telecom Directory Enquires Centre.

C = Caller and O = Operator.

C: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
O: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
C: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

C: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
O: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
C: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

C: I'd like the RSPCA please.
O: Where are you calling from?
C: The living room

C: The water board please.
O: Which department?
C: Tap water

O: How are you spelling that?
C: With letters.

C: I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
O: Do you have his name?
C: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

C: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
O: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
C: Er, yes.

[Funky Drummer]

Life's Laws:

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

9. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

10. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

[Gigglyboots]

I like em, Where do you get them fae? Keeping my little thread alive, while entertaining me!

[kendra k]

this is the thread that will not die.

[Funky Drummer]

US Air Force Complaints:

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the response noted by the maintenance crew.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."
Reply: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "Something loose in *."
Reply: "Something tightened in *."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Reply: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Reply: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 fpm descent."
Reply: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Reply: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Reply: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

[Funky Drummer]

How to Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity and Drive Other People Insane:

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e mail address is:

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favours.'

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Don't use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are.

16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17. Sing along at the opera.

18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19 Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22. Five days in advance tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23. Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess".

24. When the money comes out of the ATM, Scream "I won! I won! 3rd time this week!"

25. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

26. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bothers me, it's the voices in your head that do".

27. Tell your children over dinner " Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

[Funky Drummer]

Ponderables:

Did you ever ask yourself?

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word were misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light”?

12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

27. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

28. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

29. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

30. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

31. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

32. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

33. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

34. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong?

35. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

36. Is there another word for synonym?

37. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

38. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

39. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

40. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

41. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

42. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

43. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

44. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

45. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

46. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

47. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

48. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

49. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

50. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

51. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

52. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

53. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

54. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

55. How is it possible to have a civil war?

56. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

57. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

58. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

59. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

60. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

61. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

62. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

63. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

64. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

65. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

66. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

67. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

[Lawrie]

a woman is in bed with her fourth husband who she has just married
"husband dearest..im a virgin!"
"but youve been married three times how come your still a virgin?
"well my first husband was a photographer..he just took photos of me..my second husband was a gynacologist he just fiddeled around down there
my third husband i miss but he was boring"
"you miss him?"
"yeah" the woman repiled "he collecteded stamps"

[M+L Fan II]

M+L Fan, Cornishman and Jonny Hoare are walking along when they bump into a genie. The genie sais to them ''I will grant you any wish you want if the combined length of your penises adds up to 17 inches''. So M+L Fan rolls his out and it's dangling between his legs and the genie produces his measuring tape ''10 inches'' sais the genie. The cornishman does the same; ''6 inches'' sais the genie. So then Jonny Hoare whips off his boxers ''1 inch'' sais the genie. ''They add up to 17 inches, your wishes will be granted''. A few months later they are sitting outside their luxury home in Barbados and M+L Fan sais ''It's lucky mine was 10 inches'', the Cornishman agrees and sais ''It was lucky mine was 6'', then Jonny Hoare sais ''It's lucky I had a hard-on''.

[Nablo.]

Excuse me but where is the Joke in that last one, that sounds like a true story to me.

[M+L Fan II]

Q. What's the (alleged) difference between a choirmaster and a baby?
A. A baby sucks its fingers.

A child goes up to its mother and sais ''Mummy! Mummy! what's an orgasm?''. The mothe replies ''I don't know, ask your dad''

[Sidders]

The one about the directory enquiries reminds me of the time my mate phoned directory enquiries and asked for the number for directory enquiries!