[saintvikki1884]

Ok i cant find the other joke thread so i have posted it again.
Read the text, bet you will all relate to it.!


A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, andwere having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, theirmounting credit card debt required some immediate income.The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but herhusband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect.But financial necessities got the best of her, and she wentbehind her husband's back to go whoring.She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up toher hubby.He was upset, but asked how much she made."$398.10," she said."Who paid ten cents?" he asked."Everybody."

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentallywalked into the men's restroom):Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroomthat caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we dothat all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what wereaiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, andthen just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hitsomething.You see, something you ladies should understand by now is thatmen's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into abathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, takeperfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage topiss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg,and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't betrusted.After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm nolonger allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required tosit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small priceto pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time atnight and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell rightinto the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she wasgoing to kill me in my sleep.Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, butbecause you and I have become such good friends and you think I'ma classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's areal problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's thedreaded "morning wood".Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendousdesire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds withit. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing tobend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can'taim you have no choice but to p*ss all over the wallpaper andthat damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting onthe toilet.And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that meanswe have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the otherhand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys inhere will back me up on this) you think you can get the toiletseat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back andcompress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so youstart to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompressand without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down andtries to whack off your weenie.So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's justnot safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation tomy wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit downlike I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I triedsitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, andbefore I could manage it, I had p*ssed all over the bath towelshanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you aresitting down and you can get it forced down under the toiletseat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crackbetween the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.You p*ss all over the back of your knees and it runs down theback of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rugyou keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with thismorning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman positionlaying over the toilet seat.This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and splittime precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee inthe bowl during the first morning pee.So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally toblame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene andbathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just getbeyond our control.It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been aproblem!!!


NEW ADDITIONS TO AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY, 2001

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise , even though you're too p*ssed to remember where you live, how
you get there, and where you've come from.

BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember
it i.e."I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught
the beer scooter".

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first p*ss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

BUDGIE'S TONGUE
The female erection.

DOUBLE-BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and
then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a
double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze.

ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her
nipples simultaneously.

FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

*
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a
speed.

GOING FOR A MCSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit
With Lies.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The +no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f*ck-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!
Aa! Aa!".

MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the
lips'moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour
out here!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

PICASSO a*se
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

STARFISH TROOPER OR ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL or BITCH p*ss
Bottled Alcopops, e. g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.

UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I
don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

w*nk SEANCE
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being
watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

WYNONA RYDER Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".

[Adam]

what the fook??

please..... its gone to a better place. i don't think you've got your membership in the post. why did u post all this.. *yawns*

ad

[saintvikki1884]

Well if you dont like it why read it? As simple as that.

[Adam]

i didn't read it... just simply saying that its too long.

[saintvikki1884]

So why reply to it then? Got nothing better to do than sit at uni/college/work?

[Adam]

well for a start- one of the reasons you can't find it is because its in the regulars sections. as your a newb, then you clearly don't have access to it just yet.

okay- this one's funny:

w*nk SEANCE
During a *beep* session, the eerie feeling that you're being
watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

[saintvikki1884]

Is that a touch of sarcasm i hear? LOL(I was kidding) So when can i get into the regulars sections?
Croatian man gets five months in row over vibrator

A Croatian man's been jailed for five months following a row in a sex shop.

Mate Baban from Split bought a vibrator as a present for his partner, but when he put the battery in it didn't work.

He returned to the shop, called Sexyland, and demanded a replacement.

When the salesman refused, claiming the manufacturer was to blame, Baban grabbed a second vibrator and tried to run out of the shop.

He was chased by the salesman and punched in the face.

Baban told the court: "It cost 80 pounds and I didn't steal it, I left the old one in the shop. I was not going to spend ages looking for the manufacturer and trying to get my money back."

Although finding him guilty of the assault the judge said he did have some sympathy with Baban's plight, and ruled he could keep the vibrator he took to replace the faulty device

[Adam]

pm'ed u

[saintvikki1884]

Yeah just read it,thanks for that. I sent one back to you.

[Adam]

[b][color=blue]Is that a touch of sarcasm i hear?

no no. i found it funny. honest

[jc]

I might make the effort to read more of these posts if they weren't all in a hugely headache-inducing blue bold format. My eyes hurt. - jc

[Nablo.]

Oh no not this topic over again. Now there is two of them and only one for all you newbie people.

[saintvikki1884]

I try my best,but it aint good enough. Ok i will stop uesing the blue,and i will try and make the posts shorter,i hope that helps?

GLASGOW VOTED A LOVERS' HOT SPOT - GLASWEGIAN SET TO REPLACE FRENCH AS THE
"LANGUAGE OF LOVE"

THE ART OF LOVE-MAKING - WEEGIE (GLASWEGIAN) STYLE


* * * THE PREPARATION * * *

Friday Night is very much love-night for the Glaswegian man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Weegie aphrodisiac - 12
pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind set on one
thing. LOVE! Or as he say's himself "ma nookie".

His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's
dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of
passion - "any chance a ma hole ?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale
beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin, is at
first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the
flirtatious reply "Awaity feck ya bam".

* * * FOREPLAY * * *

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male
casting off his slightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually
landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient
Gaelic fertility chant --- "Here we go, here we go, here we go".

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher.
Editorial Note - This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision).

* * * INITIAL PROBLEMS * * *

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant
to extend itself (literally) . Impotence is very much "Ya useless b@stard"
or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman!".

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Glaswegian. He approaches his wife
with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ya like to put your teeth roon this?"

The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling
happily in a bedside tumbler. "On ye go" she says "but don't disturb me!".

Unperturbed by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to
perform such a service for his wife. However, a breakdown in communication
often leads to problems. The man may emerge from below, his face like a wet
tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke, "b@stard, you could have told
me it wa' yez bad week !"

* * * DOWN TO BUSINESS * * *

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.

Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man
decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his
excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe
premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the
poetic phrase "Aw feck, I've shot ma load!"

If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife
by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her
she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Weegie, possibly having read the woman likes to
be spoken dirty to, says such things as-"si!te !" or "ar$ehole!". The woman
is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of
jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the
ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are yez sure
it's in?".

Given his level of sexual expertise the Weegie's ideal partner should be a
versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a
breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man!".

Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences
snoring like a pig.



That's right - there's no-one in the world who performs quite like a
Glaswegian, a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex .

[odb983]

I like the jokes. I'm new here so be gentle.

[ASG]

I'll even up the newbies! Hah how bout that Mr. Nablo?!

[Gigglyboots]

I'm on the un-newbie side, lol. Joke times gotta be better than all that filth, hehe.

[saintvikki1884]

http://www.justsaywow.com/categories/fu ... granny.swf
Turn your speakers on and listen to this,it's very very funny

[StaticFish]

not another jokes thread. even though they were pretty funnym you might as well ask chris to set up a jokes cattegory. lol

Dan

[Chief Erf]

I Have Been A Regular here for a year, but just lurked a lot, so how many posts do you have to have to get in the regulars section. I did have access to the regulars section a while back when guests were allowed.

[Gigglyboots]

Theres no set amount of posts - you have to request access.

[Chief Erf]

I Request Access

(waits)

[Gigglyboots]

Erm, its through the usergroups bit Chief, and then you have to wait to see if you are granted access, its not that easy.

[Chief Erf]

ok thanks Gigglyboots