[Vivienne]

What's the best joke you've heard in a while?

I spotted one at the weekend:

Q: Why do sperm take so long to reach an egg?

A: Because they refuse to ask for directions.

[Console]

That's silly, half of all sperm are female, so it doesn't fit in with the stereotype.

[Vivienne]

It's the idea that anything male can't ask for help! Get it?

[Console]

The 'male' sperm are faster than the 'female' sperm (meaning the 'male' sperm would reach the egg before the 'female' sperm) though, so it doesn't really hold up.

[Vivienne]

But the point is male sperm wouldn't get there first, because they wouldn't stop to ask where they are going!!

[Console]

But they do get there first. And who are they going to ask exactly?

[Vivienne]

look ! (hangs head in despair).... guys have a reputation for not stopping to ask directions... this is the JOKE. Get it?

[Console]

An 'undeserved' reputation. Anyway: -

Why don't you find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

Because they only need sine and cosine to get a tan.

[Zoot]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now let the poison do it’s work."

[Vivienne]

An 'undeserved' reputation. Anyway: -

Why don't you find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

Because they only need sine and cosine to get a tan.

That's not funny! Anyhow, I have been searching forums and there is a posting where you have said that you suck at Biology (see June 10th 2005).

[Zoot]

why didn'y upi just post a link to it Viv?

[Vivienne]

who is upi?

[Console]

you have said that you suck at Biology

I do suck at biology (I always hated the inconsistent naming schemes for a start). It doesn't mean that I know nothing about biology though, I know quite a bit about genetics for example.

who is upi?

'upi' is 'you' shifted one key left on the keyboard.

[Zoot]

who is upi?

[Vivienne]

Did you know that us females have more advanced brains? We can do more than one task at the same time.

[Zoot]

Did you know that us females have more advanced brains? We can do more than one task at the same time.

That is true.
The question is though, more advanced than what?

[Vivienne]

More advanced than you lot. I can: talk, open a door, pick up a 'phone, drink a cup of coffee and iron all at once. Beat that, sucker!

[Zoot]

You can drink a cup of coffee and talk at the same time? Were you not taught any manners when you were young?

[foot-loose]

I can: talk, open a door, pick up a 'phone, drink a cup of coffee and iron all at once.

By my reckoning, you would need to be talking while drinking out of a cup with a straw. The cup would need to be on a shelf. Or perhaps in one of those student style beer hat things. Somewhere near your mouth anyways.

You would open the door with one hand and pick up the phone with the other. You would need to be ironing with one of your feet.

Now, as multi-task-tastic that is, it sound silly and messy. And dangerous - feet ironing is no easy task!

[Vivienne]

I was joking. I can't do quite that much. And as you said, it would be dangerous.. I can do several tasks at once tho'.

[MK Chris]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?''

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.''

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer but on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'' Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.''

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office...and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[kendra k]

why did the frog cross the road?

because it was tied to the chicken.