Just to cheer up giggly boots (although I can think of other more exciting ways!!! 
)
Apologies for the >s by the way, couldn't be bothered deleting them all
> > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
> > fast one".
> >
> > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> "Eurostar?".
> > I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
> >
> > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
> > said, "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
> >
> > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
> tablecloth.
> > It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
> >
> > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> > condiment".
> >
> > Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
> > he's bisatchel.
> >
> > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
> >
> > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
> night
> > before and shoot the fox.
> >
> > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
> > said "Do you get my drift?".
> >
> > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red
> > rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
> for
> > a-ROMATIC duck".
> >
> > I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
> and
> > I won a years supply of marmite......... one jar.
> >
> > Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it
> will
> > give birth to a litter of twiglets.
> >
> > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
> > carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
> >
> > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
> > converter.
> >
> > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",
> > he said "Not you again".
> >
> > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, including Goran,
> even
> > he's a witch.
> >
> > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
> > said "Are you two an item?".
> >
> > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
> thought
> > "That's a turtle disaster".
> >
> > Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
> > 1) That's not right .......... Sum Ting Wong
> > 2) Are you harboring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
> > 3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
> > 4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
> > 5) Small Horse ............Tai Ni Po Ni
> > 6) Did you go to the beach? .........Wai Yu So Tan
> > 7) I bumped into a coffee table .........Ai Bang Mai Ni
> >
I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
> > 9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
> > 10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
> > 11) This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King
> > 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
> > 13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
> > 14) He's cleaning his automobile ..... Wa Shing Ka
> > 15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
> > 16) Great ......Fu Kin Su Pah
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