[The Magic Mullet]

Beer + Sunshine + No Work

[Ballbag]

Beer + Sunshine + No Work

+ sat indoors on a computer = tit.

[The Magic Mullet]

Beer + Sunshine + No Work

+ sat indoors on a computer = tit.

I have nobody to play out with at the moment, they're in work. I'm currently amusing myself with bottles of Corona whilst playing poker on the laptop in the garden. Oh, and explaining myself to you.

[foot-loose]

Dunno if this is as true as it makes out to be, but it still made me laugh...

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

__________________________________________________

*Q:* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

*A:* We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

*A:* Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)?

*A:* Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

*A:* What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

*A:* A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

*A:* Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

*Q:* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

*A:* Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

*A:* Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

*A:* You are a British politician, right?
_________________________________________________

*Q:* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

*A:* No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

*A:* Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
________________________________________________

*Q:* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

*A:* It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

*A:* Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

*A:* Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

*A:* Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

*A:* Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________

*Q:* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

*A:* Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Bonanzoid]

Oh no! That went wrong, here it is again;

[timp]

Making me smile is never having another day of school to go to EVER...

except for exams

[Yudster]

I had Miss Yudster whizzzing around last week talking about how she's "left school" now - but she's going in every day between now and 18 June either for exams or revision, so to say she's left school is ludicrous.

When you have completed your last exam and had everything signed to say you no longer need to go in there again, THEN you've left school! Not before.

[foot-loose]

I had Miss Yudster whizzzing around last week talking about how she's "left school" now - but she's going in every day between now and 18 June either for exams or revision, so to say she's left school is ludicrous.

When you have completed your last exam and had everything signed to say you no longer need to go in there again, THEN you've left school! Not before.

it keeps the kids happy, mrs yuds.

[foot-loose]

'mon the Jurrasic Park!!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--40RLF5UGo][/youtube]

[SAV1OUR]

Mon the Rangers invading our city tonight. Draped in flags and beeping their horns for all and sundry to hear ahead of their game against some Russian team on Wednesday they truly are having a massive willy waving session. Its funny to see, there I was in my local, having a nice pint, when some stray Glaswegian fly comes in for a drink asking directions for tomorrow, bless.

But the willy waving shall not stop tomorrow, oh no. I've been told they're all off on a jolly to the seaside at my hometown in Blackpool.

The whole things a mildly amusing spectacle at the moment, its good they've been allowed out their pen north of the border and into civilisation, and they dont even smell of wee, from what I can tell, hope they enjoy their bonny wee trip, aye.

[foot-loose]

I'd like to point out that football fans do NOT represent this beautiful city for what it is. Unless they behave themselves (which I wouldn't put money on) in which case - 'mon the gers!

[Sunny So Cal]

Dunno if this is as true as it makes out to be, but it still made me laugh...

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Love the "Drop Bear" & hippo races

[Yudster]

I'd like to point out that football fans do NOT represent this beautiful city for what it is. Unless they behave themselves (which I wouldn't put money on) in which case - 'mon the gers!

Scottish travelling football fans, on the whole, tend to be well received wherever they go - they have a reputation of being very loud, visible, drunk and boisterous without being obnoxious or violent. They just seem to come across as more friendly than your average crowd (outside the game, anyway). Manchester will probably enjoy having them.

Also, come on Rangers, love to see you lift the cup.

Making me smile (laugh like a nutter actually) was "29!! Give me an olive! GIVE ME AN OLIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I want it as my text message alert.........

[MK Chris]

Haha that made me laugh too.

[Andy B]

Hmm not getting sacked from work and getting cleared of all charges!
swimming in the sea at the weekend and teaching Muffin to Swim
Watching Avenue Q at the weekend.
Possibly still getting tickets to the FA CUP Final!
Getting another dog. Another pug which will be called Crumpet!
Having time off work whilst on suspension and effectivly getting paid to play Xbox in the evening and sunbathe in the day!

[Boboff]

Good news man, excellent.

[unclejoesmintballs]

how can you inflict the name crumpet on a animal!!!!!!

[Sunny So Cal]

Because "Muffin" was already taken

[unclejoesmintballs]

its just emotional cruelty to the animal

[Sunny So Cal]

These are making me smile.

[foot-loose]

Watching Avenue Q at the weekend.

It's ace!!

Everyone IS a little bit racist!

[TIAL]

This is making me smile today.

[Andy B]

It's awesome. People should be FORCED to watch it! Plus the girl who does Kate Monster and Lucy The Slut's voices is fit! My fav is Trekkie Monster though. Remined me of...well I won't say who.

No-one has yet pointed out that the names of my dogs are

A) Guaranteed to make women go "Awwww!"
B) Euphemisms.

[foot-loose]

[quote="Andy B"]It's awesome. People should be FORCED to watch it! Plus the girl who does Kate Monster and Lucy The Slut's voices is fit! My fav is Trekkie Monster though. Remined me of...well I won't say who.
There is definitly some talent in the cast. I'll not bore you with who I appreciated though

[S4B]

Foots messing up a quote is making me laugh - that never happens!