[The Cornishman]

Excitingly,everyone in the England squad and management team (and a couple of other associated individuals) compiled Journals charting their ups and downs during this years World Cup for some publication or other.To subscribe to them all would dangerously inflate your paper bill so,helpful as ever,I've begun to intercept them over the electronic ether and over the next week I would like to provide an edited digest of the pick of them.

TUESDAY 21st MAY
ERIKSSON - GLOOMY MANAGEMENT QUARTERLY

I have long subscribed to the teachings of American business guru,Jim Collins, and I believe I fit quite neatly his stereoptypical template of a Level 5 leader,possessing as I do a paradoxical combination of personal humility and professional will which I use to build enduring greatness.On the traditional task-oriented (x) / relationship-oriented (y) graph I place myself nearer the relationship end of the spectrum.I leave...jesus christ, look at the jugs on her.Wow,I could stick my head between them and go wibble wibble...hold on,where was I? Yes,relationship oriented.I like to observe as my assistants take the daily training load.I of course dictate the overall pattern of training but the coaches must be allowed to...cor, what a fantastic arse.I'd love to just slip my fingers in...no,sorry,yes,I believe that coaches must have the leeway to initiate their own training regimens.Only from such freedom can spring the innovation which helps us evolve as a group.As I often say to my good friend,Ingvar Kamprad, the founder and owner of IKEA, management is like...big tits.Crikey,look at her.Hey love,can I stick Mr. Sven between your...er,management,of course.I am sometimes described as a "soft" leader,in that I see no need to bellow at the professionals under my care,I'm a quiet,contemplative man-manager.I prefer one-to-one communication,a reassuring word,a pat on the shoulder and...shadows on snow.Ah yes,a film I watched last evening, Bergman's vivid dissection of a relationship that's coming under increasing strain by one partner's unwillingness to commit fully,I see so many parallels with my own...come on love, put the tea down over there and get your kit off,I've got ten minutes before gametime.Whooopee!

DYER - THE LANCET

Why do doctors have such cold hands?I've been poked,prodded and manipulated by over seven hundred and fifty different doctors in my time and they share one identifying feature,cold hands.In fact when I shake hands with punters in the executive boxes at St. James' I can always spot the doctors."You're a doctor," I'll say and they always say, "Yes I am. Can I have a look at your shoulder, please.There's a two thousand page text book about it in Waterstones." So, how am I?Well, interestingly,the pain in my knee has now eased to a dull,distant ache-a pain I've numbered 274b on my comprehensive pain chart,just between a dull, nearby ache and a slightly more invasive distant ache.I think if it was just the knee I may play in the world cup.I could even struggle bravely along with the seven vivid bruises I got after being hit by a ricochetting golf ball on my Dubai hotel balcony and the bite I got from a dog in the restaurant last night that was so fresh it was still alive and nipped my ankle.The migraines I get since I fell off the Millennium Wheel are a concern but even they wouldn't stop me.Nor would the groin strain I got stretching for the ketchup the other morning,the second groin strain I got when I dropped the head and shoulders in the shower and then the third groin strain I got when the team bus braked suddenly and I bounced into Heskey.(We really must do more work on his nickname!) No,it's the two small bones in my neck that I broke when they put the welcoming garland on me at the airport.Tricky things,necks and I should know.That bloody midwife broke it first and I've snapped it a dozen times since. Oh no,I've dropped the laptop on my foot now.That's a matatarsal,I'll be bound.DOCTOR!

BUTT - IN OR OUT?

I'm so confused.I like looking at pictures of naked women but I don't feel I'd like to touch one.They're so big and scary aren't they and that girl at the lap dancing club on Nev's stag night made fun of my willy.Well,how could I get aroused with a everyone looking at me and pointing and stuff. I got a doll and practised for ages but even she seemed to be laughing at me.It's not my fault,my mum wanted a girl and got all the clothes and stuff but then I was born and she made me wear them anyway.She said she couldn't afford boys clothes as well and the shop wouldn't take them back.But I felt really funny at school in a blouse and skirt.And then Timothy Barratt put his hand up my skirt and it seemed like all the angels in heaven began to sing at once but he just gave me a wedgie and eveyone in assembly looked at me and laughed.I went out with Jennifer Morris in the fifth form and we held hands and stuff but when I went to kiss her she kneed me in the crotch and ran away.And then she told all her mates that I wrote her a poem and stole her bra.The other players make fun of me and call me names like ladyboy and stuff.But Becks always shouts at them and puts his arm around me and takes me somewhere else.He's lovely,so strong and understanding and pretty.I wish I was rooming with him but I've got to share with Rio Ferdinand. He caught me looking at him one night and sat on my head and farted then he stuck his willy in my ear.Eeurgh.It was really big and pointy.I bet Becks has a lovely,soft and floppy willy like a * spaniel's ear.Oh,I miss my dogs.I love you Bunty and Bonkers.I hope mum's looking after you.It's time to go to the game now.I've put my kit on under my suit.