[MK Chris]

Well do that then - let her get to know you more and at the same time, get to know her more.

[Sidders]

I feel myself edging closer and closer to square 1 again here...

[MK Chris]

Listen, there are a few possible reasons for the response you got. One, yes, is that she doesn't like you. The other is that (shock, horror) what she said was the truth. If that's the case then when she is ready for a relationship, who's to say that it won't be with you? The third is that she would like to get to know you before she makes up her mind properly, but she didn't want to say 'yeah but let me make sure I actually like you first.'

The first is a worst possible scenario, but (I'd say) fairly unlikely, given what you've just posted. Get to know her in person, hang out with her and her friends and who knows, that may lead to just hanging out together, just the two of you. Who knows what could lead on from there.

Other than that, follow your instincts.

[Betti911]

Don't torture yourself Sidla. Keep away from her.

[Sidders]

Don't torture yourself Sidla. Keep away from her.

For that to happen, I'd have to quit my job (which I enjoy), stop going in my favourite pub (which I enjoy), and quite possibly move away (not possible with my current cashflow).

I dunno what to do really, I really want to get to know her better and vice-versa, but don't know how to go about it. When we're not at work together she's in the pub with her mates.

[kendra k]

well, i would say give it time and get rid of any expectations. don't change your entire life to avoid her, but just let it play out naturally. the more time you spend with her, even when her mates are around, the more she'll get to know you and her you. if you do it, in the back of your mind hoping to pretend to make babies with you, you're only setting yourself up for further disappointment.

[Betti911]

Agreed Kendra. Avoid any expectations. She's given you an answer albeit not one you want. Throw yourself into something like keep fit, organise a holiday. Just distract yourself from all thoughts of a relationship which at the moment isn't going to happen.

[Sidders]

I'm just going to have to see how everything pans out for a while. I just need more goddamn confidence!

[Sidders]

Right, I've changed my mind again. I think everyone is right about not having any expectations, because if I cling on to even the slightest chance that she might want to be with me at any point in the future then I'm going to be bitterly hurt (far more than I was hurt initially) when she decides she doesn't want to be single anymore and decides the person to be with is not me. I'm going to carry on being friends with her, it will be hard at first, but I need to try and eradicate any hope that she might want to be with me.

I'm actually contemplating doing something fairly radicle. Not in the near future, but maybe over the summer. I'll have the school holidays off, so maybe I could look at going away to work somewhere for a few weeks. Meet a few new people and see some new places. I don't know if I fancy going abroard though, maybe I could try a holiday camp on the coast somewhere.

And when I return... absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that...

[Quincy]

good idea.

[Gigglyboots]

That sounds like a plan.

Going abroad is fab, wish I could afford it.

[MK Chris]

Mt girlfriend's mate just came back from a year in Australia and New Zealand - I wish I'd done that before I moved out of my parents home - now I couldn't afford it. I never actually met her before she went out but she loved her time out there. It's character-building and might give you the much needed confidence.

Of course, on the flip side, time away might make you realise she's actually not the person for you - and you may even find someone else on your travels.

[Gigglyboots]

My flatmate did that in her year out, got a flight out to New Zealand with no idea what she was going to do. Really admire her for it, she just got a job in a cinema and had the time of her life.

[kendra k]

i think going abroad is great. you do learn a lot about yourself, become more self reliant, and clear up all sorts of things in your head. i know when i was living in germany i realised that my bf was indeed the one for me, but also i like being alone. odd, but i've been happier since.

[Sidders]

Of course, on the flip side, time away might make you realise she's actually not the person for you - and you may even find someone else on your travels.

That's what I'm hoping. I hardly ever meet anyone new around here, and there's not anyone else I feel vaguely attracted to. I think I need to get out of here for a bit, meet some new people, possibly have a fling or 2 and just live a little. Then hopefully I can say that I'm 'happy being single' for a while when I return.

It's times like this that I realise I completely wasted my time at uni.

[kendra k]

why? by not slutting yourself out? hmm... different strokes for different folks.

[Gigglyboots]

Don't slut yourself out. I tried it, it failed miserably, and now I think I'm in a low where I just feel cheap and just actually want to be with one person who might give a damn.

[Sidders]

why? by not slutting yourself out? hmm... different strokes for different folks.

In a word, yep. Seriously though, I'm 24 and I should feel like I've at least lived a little by now.

[Adam]

I've missed about seven or so pages of this thread - care to recap what ive missed.

Thank you. Please.

[Sidders]

If you havn't been reading, you obviously don't care, so why are you asking?

[kendra k]

cos he's adam! i dunno.

i used to think that i needed a couple of flings as "practice" for my first relationship, but i'm happy i didn't do that. i wasn't emotionally ready and i probably would have been worse for the wear.

giggly, i hope things are getting better. i know my best mate is just near that realization. it's been painfull to watch.

[Sidders]

Surely it's different for females though? I seriously don't think women see lack of experience as a good quality in men.

[kendra k]

i do, but i'm weird like that. i didn't hold it against my boyfriend when i found out i was his first girlfriend (he was 2 months shy of 27 when we started dating), never been kissed and all that. it made sense, really. if somebody holds that against you, they suck.

[MK Chris]

It is very shallow of people to find that a reason not to go out with you.

[Sidders]

I'm finding it really hard to be in the same room as her when she has other friends around. I really want to get a proper conversation going, but with her other friends there it would feel like I'm butting in. It's so goddam annoying. I either need to just avoid her completely which I really don't want to do, or take the plunge and start hanging around with her mates too. If I do the latter it will be obvious what my motives are.

What I really need is a mutual friend around, I wonder if I can persuade him to move away from Wakefield for a while...