[Zoot]

At the risk of sounding extremely dumb, I don't get that.

I don't think you're supposed to mate, it's like the old joke "How do you stop a cyclist?" "Throw a washing machine down the stairs"

[DannyBoy]

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

A collie-flower!

[pjordan2000]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."

[Yudster]

STOP PUTTING BRILLIANT JOKES IN THE BAD JOKE THREAD!!!!!!!

[Blinko Glick]

One day God calls down to Noah and says: "Noah me old china, I wants you to make me a new Ark"

"No probs God, anything you want after all you're the boss!" replies Noah

But God interrupts: "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah. I want not just a couple of decks; I want 20 decks one on top of the other."

"20 DECKS!" screams Noah. "Well, OK big man, what ever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yes, that's right, well, sort of right. This time I just want you to fill it up with fish," God answers.

"Fish?" Queries Noah.

"Yes, fish... Well, make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies: "Let me get this right, you want a new Ark?"

"Yes"

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Yes"

"And you want it full of Carp?"

"Yes"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether!

"Well" says God, "I just always fancied a Multi-Story Carp Ark"

[foot-loose]

Zoot, P Jordan and Blinko.

Well done. Best jokes ive seen this year, and i've seen a lot!

[DannyBoy]

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?

Because the cow has the udder

[TIAL]

I ate 18 yoghurts last night...

[jocky85]

I ate 18 yoghurts last night...

I was waiting for someone to bring up one of those!!!


I bought 8 legs of venison for £300.........

[Zoot]

A man walked into a chip shop with a herring under his arm.
He asks the chip shop man "Do you sell fish cakes?"
The chip shop owner replies "I'm afraid we're sold out"
The man says "Thats a pity, it's his Birthday"

[Blinko Glick]

I ate 18 yoghurts last night...

Did you get completely Mullered?

[Blinko Glick]

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard.
He also was quite a spiritual person.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail.
Due to this diet, he wound up with very
bad breath.
Therefore, he came to be known as a . . .

Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[Blinko Glick]

What's grey and sits on the edge of the bed, taking the piss?

A dialysis machine.

[Blinko Glick]

What type of bees make milk?

Boobies!!!!!

[Boboff]

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Blinko Glick]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

[Boboff]

Elizabeth Fritzel attended Court today, after a large full cooked breakfast, I think someone could have told her she still had some Daddies sauce round her mouth!

[nicowoodcock]

Two cows in a field.

One says 'Moo'

The other says 'Damn, I was going to say that'

[Blinko Glick]

Two goldfish in a tank.

One says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Zoot]

How many Mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I'm not sure how they get in there...

[Blinko Glick]

What do you call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey.


How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.


How many dyslexics does it take to change a light blub?

[Blinko Glick]

"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don’t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

[foot-loose]

Guy walks into a petrol station and says to the shopkeeper "can I have a twirl and a boost please?".

The shopkeeper looks at him, spins round and say's "honey you look fabulous".

Ten minutes later, another guy walks in and says "can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?". The shopkeeper says "who you calling 'chunky' ya bastard?".

[Blinko Glick]

My freeview aerial and satellite dish got married yesterday.

The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!

[Blinko Glick]

Guy walks into a petrol station and says to the shopkeeper "can I have a twirl and a boost please?".

The shopkeeper looks at him, spins round and say's "honey you look fabulous".

Ten minutes later, another guy walks in and says "can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?". The shopkeeper says "who you calling 'chunky' ya bastard?".

Next day he walks in & asks for a topic

The shopkeeper says "Gordon Brown, hero or villain?"