chrismoyles.net
- Wed Jan 01, 2003 6:14 pm
#44857
Below are some recent horoscopes penned by Mystic Meg. After each of her horoscopes I have added my interpretation of said bollocks so that you, dear Moylesworld members may understand them that much better....
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Meg Says
Jupiter harmonises with the moon and love signs are good because feelings in both hearts keep growing stronger. Single? A partner who likes to gamble is a safe and sexy bet for you. Make a resolution to really use your talents. Music names will be important today.
Morals Says
If you're in a relationship, you're not likely to split up today (although tomorrow is another day). Single? That's because you're an ugly bitch so your best bet is to go and pull some dodgy sweaty bloke down the local betting shop and hope he makes a few quid so he can take you out for a bag of chips. If he's called "Up-beat Christian folk-rock" even better.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Meg Says
Love that is based on loyalty and a sense of belonging is right for you. Happier times in your romantic life can start with a conversation today. Decisions that felt difficult are easy to make now – especially one linked to work. A lucky find at home will help your cash supplies.
Morals Says
Love that is based on loyalty is right for you, and you know the most loyal thing in your life is your labrador so get on all fours and get busy. Quit your job, you're going to find your neighbours winning lottery ticket down the back of the sofa.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Meg Says
Misunderstandings are cleared up and longed-for words are spoken as the Jupiter/moon connection makes communication easy. This can improve family life and reconcile friends. Single? You first met at a party and will both feel the love vibe when you meet again today.
Morals Says
You finally realise how much of a tosser you've been lately and say sorry to everyone you've offended. Your parents start speaking to you again and stop referring to you as "that bloody mistake". Single? Remember that troll you met at Dave's party a while back? That's the best you're getting for now so have a quickie and then tell them 'never again'.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Meg Says
You are in a take-charge mood and people who have not seen this side of you before are shocked and impressed. Jupiter, the most generous planet, will give your money chart a lucky shake and a partner could be richer than either of you think. Call a workmate who is on your mind.
Morals Says
You're pissed off and not taking any shit from anybody, so they'd better do as they're told. Hold you partner upside down and shake them as they've hiding cash from you. Phone that bastard in sales and call him a wanker.
Leo (July 23 - August 23)
Meg Says
Expect a brilliant start to the year with Jupiter in your sign and the moon in your prize chart. Resolutions you make today are lucky - and so is your Lotto ticket. Be ready to find out more about a lover and share new experiences. It's time to forget family grievances.
Morals Says
Make a resolution not to jump in front of buses and to buy a lotto ticket. You find out your lover is a hemaphrodite and decide to indulge in some new experiences with the spare parts. Forget about the family feud, it's not worth it. In fact, forget about your family.
Virgo (August 24 - September 22)
Meg Says
There is something special about you today and you only have to smile to attract people. You can put your points across clearly when you discuss a change of lifestyle. Sharing dreams and plans with a lover will bring you close again. Luck is connected to making a video.
Morals Says
The sex-attract you bought mail order finally arrives so spray that bad-boy on! Tell your partner that you dream of being a famous film star / producer, and then convince them to make a porn film with you.
Libra (September 23 - October 23)
Meg Says
Get your ideas down on paper because you are extra smart today. Going for a walk will help you make an important love choice and shake off the mistrust that holds back happiness. Single? Someone who is already a friend can be much more. Luck is linked to a name written in red.
Morals Says
Write things down because you're too stupid to remember them. Whilst walking to the shops for a packet of B&H you realise just how much you love your partner, even though you're certain they're shagging the next door neighbour, and that you're going to stay with them like the fool you are. Single? You're so desperate you try to pull your mates, and someone who is a friend becomes much moch more. An enemy.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Meg Says
The perfect mix of Jupiter and the moon helps you take a good look at your life and make a step-by-step plan that leads to success. Be tactful when you talk about love. An idea for a game show is worth working on. The first name written in a diary is lucky for you.
Morals Says
This is just a complete load of bollocks, it means nothing
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)
Meg Says
Add a little tenderness to the love recipe and you can get a relationship moving in the right direction. A new time of openness and honesty within a family group is good - even if you do not like everything you hear. Luck is connecting you to a game show you enjoy watching.
Morals Says
In the words of Tenacious D, f**k her gently. If you don't, she'll f**k off quickly. Tell your family how much you hate them all, and then go and watch Blockbusters.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Meg Says
The uncertainty is over and you start the year feeling sure about what - and who - belongs in your life. A problem solves itself when a family relax and lighten up. An old friend you have almost forgotten has a surprise that can lead to working together. Talk to M again for luck.
Morals Says
This year you know who belongs in your life, and more importantly, who doesn't. Kick your partner out on the street. Your family stop being the uptight wankers they are and allow you to watch porn in the living room. An old friend gives you a call as he's got a scam he wants to pull with your help. Oh, and speak to M - Q's got some new gadgets he'd like you to try.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Meg Says
Godfather planet Jupiter gives your partnership chart a lucky push and a casual relationship can become committed – and it feels right. You can resolve a tricky family situation by persuading both sides to compromise a bit. Luck is in a room where clocks tell different times.
Morals Says
Tonight could be the night when you and your partner finally make the beast with two backs. Set your radio alarm ten minutes fast, and your luck should be in.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Meg Says
Your fitness chart is starred for action and you can persuade a partner, a family or even a group of friends to join you in a new healthy living plan. Single? Your new love has a job in the healing profession. Where there are whispers there are often lies so just smile at local gossip.
Morals Says
You bug your family so much about your new healthy lifestyle they cave in and agree to go to the gym with you just to shut you the f**k up. You're going to pull a nurse so stage an accident and get yourself down to A & E. Ignore the whispers of the local gossipers, but beware their shouts.
Aries (March 21 - April 20)
Meg Says
Jupiter harmonises with the moon and love signs are good because feelings in both hearts keep growing stronger. Single? A partner who likes to gamble is a safe and sexy bet for you. Make a resolution to really use your talents. Music names will be important today.
Morals Says
If you're in a relationship, you're not likely to split up today (although tomorrow is another day). Single? That's because you're an ugly bitch so your best bet is to go and pull some dodgy sweaty bloke down the local betting shop and hope he makes a few quid so he can take you out for a bag of chips. If he's called "Up-beat Christian folk-rock" even better.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21)
Meg Says
Love that is based on loyalty and a sense of belonging is right for you. Happier times in your romantic life can start with a conversation today. Decisions that felt difficult are easy to make now – especially one linked to work. A lucky find at home will help your cash supplies.
Morals Says
Love that is based on loyalty is right for you, and you know the most loyal thing in your life is your labrador so get on all fours and get busy. Quit your job, you're going to find your neighbours winning lottery ticket down the back of the sofa.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Meg Says
Misunderstandings are cleared up and longed-for words are spoken as the Jupiter/moon connection makes communication easy. This can improve family life and reconcile friends. Single? You first met at a party and will both feel the love vibe when you meet again today.
Morals Says
You finally realise how much of a tosser you've been lately and say sorry to everyone you've offended. Your parents start speaking to you again and stop referring to you as "that bloody mistake". Single? Remember that troll you met at Dave's party a while back? That's the best you're getting for now so have a quickie and then tell them 'never again'.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Meg Says
You are in a take-charge mood and people who have not seen this side of you before are shocked and impressed. Jupiter, the most generous planet, will give your money chart a lucky shake and a partner could be richer than either of you think. Call a workmate who is on your mind.
Morals Says
You're pissed off and not taking any shit from anybody, so they'd better do as they're told. Hold you partner upside down and shake them as they've hiding cash from you. Phone that bastard in sales and call him a wanker.
Leo (July 23 - August 23)
Meg Says
Expect a brilliant start to the year with Jupiter in your sign and the moon in your prize chart. Resolutions you make today are lucky - and so is your Lotto ticket. Be ready to find out more about a lover and share new experiences. It's time to forget family grievances.
Morals Says
Make a resolution not to jump in front of buses and to buy a lotto ticket. You find out your lover is a hemaphrodite and decide to indulge in some new experiences with the spare parts. Forget about the family feud, it's not worth it. In fact, forget about your family.
Virgo (August 24 - September 22)
Meg Says
There is something special about you today and you only have to smile to attract people. You can put your points across clearly when you discuss a change of lifestyle. Sharing dreams and plans with a lover will bring you close again. Luck is connected to making a video.
Morals Says
The sex-attract you bought mail order finally arrives so spray that bad-boy on! Tell your partner that you dream of being a famous film star / producer, and then convince them to make a porn film with you.
Libra (September 23 - October 23)
Meg Says
Get your ideas down on paper because you are extra smart today. Going for a walk will help you make an important love choice and shake off the mistrust that holds back happiness. Single? Someone who is already a friend can be much more. Luck is linked to a name written in red.
Morals Says
Write things down because you're too stupid to remember them. Whilst walking to the shops for a packet of B&H you realise just how much you love your partner, even though you're certain they're shagging the next door neighbour, and that you're going to stay with them like the fool you are. Single? You're so desperate you try to pull your mates, and someone who is a friend becomes much moch more. An enemy.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)
Meg Says
The perfect mix of Jupiter and the moon helps you take a good look at your life and make a step-by-step plan that leads to success. Be tactful when you talk about love. An idea for a game show is worth working on. The first name written in a diary is lucky for you.
Morals Says
This is just a complete load of bollocks, it means nothing
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)
Meg Says
Add a little tenderness to the love recipe and you can get a relationship moving in the right direction. A new time of openness and honesty within a family group is good - even if you do not like everything you hear. Luck is connecting you to a game show you enjoy watching.
Morals Says
In the words of Tenacious D, f**k her gently. If you don't, she'll f**k off quickly. Tell your family how much you hate them all, and then go and watch Blockbusters.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Meg Says
The uncertainty is over and you start the year feeling sure about what - and who - belongs in your life. A problem solves itself when a family relax and lighten up. An old friend you have almost forgotten has a surprise that can lead to working together. Talk to M again for luck.
Morals Says
This year you know who belongs in your life, and more importantly, who doesn't. Kick your partner out on the street. Your family stop being the uptight wankers they are and allow you to watch porn in the living room. An old friend gives you a call as he's got a scam he wants to pull with your help. Oh, and speak to M - Q's got some new gadgets he'd like you to try.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Meg Says
Godfather planet Jupiter gives your partnership chart a lucky push and a casual relationship can become committed – and it feels right. You can resolve a tricky family situation by persuading both sides to compromise a bit. Luck is in a room where clocks tell different times.
Morals Says
Tonight could be the night when you and your partner finally make the beast with two backs. Set your radio alarm ten minutes fast, and your luck should be in.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Meg Says
Your fitness chart is starred for action and you can persuade a partner, a family or even a group of friends to join you in a new healthy living plan. Single? Your new love has a job in the healing profession. Where there are whispers there are often lies so just smile at local gossip.
Morals Says
You bug your family so much about your new healthy lifestyle they cave in and agree to go to the gym with you just to shut you the f**k up. You're going to pull a nurse so stage an accident and get yourself down to A & E. Ignore the whispers of the local gossipers, but beware their shouts.
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