chrismoyles.net
- Fri Jan 31, 2003 7:46 am
#53195
Jonny Hoare called me up last week.Right out of the blue.'I'm a fan' he said.'Come over and let me make you some dinner'.Inexplicably he added, 'And wear a safety helmet of some kind.I accepted the invitation.Aa for the helmet remark I figured old Jonny was having some renovation work done and had my safety in mind.Anyway,heres me pulling up to Jonnys gated mansion thinking to myself 'Jesus,you just never know what kind of curve life is gonna throw at you.Dinner with Jonny Hoare!
A low hydraulic whoosh,ushered me through the Hoare compounds wrought iron gates,and i cruised up a winding lushly over grown driveway,adorned with ferns,hibiscus,and hydrangeas.I couldn't help but notice they were all growing from discarded KFC buckets.Thats Jonny,ever the conscientious recycler.I looked around for signs of building work but there didn't seem to be any.I felt a bit silly wearing a hardhat.
Jonny greeted me at the door.He was cradiling what appeared to be an infant against his shoulder,it was swadled in a fleecy pink blanket and I was moved by Jonnys paternal posture.
An awkward question passed through my head.Was it Jonnys child? I didn't want to insult Jonny right from the start by suggesting incumbent parentage,if in fact he was a proud and virile father,but I knew not of any Mrs Hoare.The question quickly dissipated however when I finally got a good look,and realised Jonny was actually cradling a nothing more than a large unboiled prawn in a toddlers blanket.
'Thats a nice hard hat you're wearing friend' remarked Jonny.Infact he took the helmet into his hands and admired its contours.'whew...adjustable brow support.Very high quality.Nice.Is it OSHA approved' 'Er yes Jonny I suppose so' I replied.He replaced it atop my head.
Jonny led me into his massive living room,which was handsomely decorated-and over roast duck and port told we reminissed over the good old days.I don't recall much of what happened after that,the port kept flowing and Jonny serenaded me with some of his finest posts from this message board,somewhere around 'it is with great regret and sadness' I passed out.When I awoke it must've been the middle of the night,Jonny was hovering over me predatorily.
'I want that hardhat' he said,but his voice was sinister.Something snapped inside me.This wasn't the Jonny Hoare who made so many of us laugh with his constant calls for uglybob to retire,this was Jonny Hoare hard hat frottager.I shot out of that mansion like a rocket,the helmet flew off somewhere in the living room and i felt a sickening squish beneath my feet,I remember thinking 'my God I've killd Jonny Hoares precious prawn',but believe me I didn't look back.
Then yesterday I'm driving through Penryn when what do I see but a grand opening for Jonny Hoares World of Hardhats.Thats when I put two and two together.How many unsuspecting victims like myself have been lured into this mans scam.
If anyone else has had a similar experience please reply to this post.I always said I would never use this message board to extract revenge on someone who has got on my bad side,but i feel duped and betrayed by a man i once admired.So thanks a lot Jonny,thanks for ruining a dream.
A low hydraulic whoosh,ushered me through the Hoare compounds wrought iron gates,and i cruised up a winding lushly over grown driveway,adorned with ferns,hibiscus,and hydrangeas.I couldn't help but notice they were all growing from discarded KFC buckets.Thats Jonny,ever the conscientious recycler.I looked around for signs of building work but there didn't seem to be any.I felt a bit silly wearing a hardhat.
Jonny greeted me at the door.He was cradiling what appeared to be an infant against his shoulder,it was swadled in a fleecy pink blanket and I was moved by Jonnys paternal posture.
An awkward question passed through my head.Was it Jonnys child? I didn't want to insult Jonny right from the start by suggesting incumbent parentage,if in fact he was a proud and virile father,but I knew not of any Mrs Hoare.The question quickly dissipated however when I finally got a good look,and realised Jonny was actually cradling a nothing more than a large unboiled prawn in a toddlers blanket.
'Thats a nice hard hat you're wearing friend' remarked Jonny.Infact he took the helmet into his hands and admired its contours.'whew...adjustable brow support.Very high quality.Nice.Is it OSHA approved' 'Er yes Jonny I suppose so' I replied.He replaced it atop my head.
Jonny led me into his massive living room,which was handsomely decorated-and over roast duck and port told we reminissed over the good old days.I don't recall much of what happened after that,the port kept flowing and Jonny serenaded me with some of his finest posts from this message board,somewhere around 'it is with great regret and sadness' I passed out.When I awoke it must've been the middle of the night,Jonny was hovering over me predatorily.
'I want that hardhat' he said,but his voice was sinister.Something snapped inside me.This wasn't the Jonny Hoare who made so many of us laugh with his constant calls for uglybob to retire,this was Jonny Hoare hard hat frottager.I shot out of that mansion like a rocket,the helmet flew off somewhere in the living room and i felt a sickening squish beneath my feet,I remember thinking 'my God I've killd Jonny Hoares precious prawn',but believe me I didn't look back.
Then yesterday I'm driving through Penryn when what do I see but a grand opening for Jonny Hoares World of Hardhats.Thats when I put two and two together.How many unsuspecting victims like myself have been lured into this mans scam.
If anyone else has had a similar experience please reply to this post.I always said I would never use this message board to extract revenge on someone who has got on my bad side,but i feel duped and betrayed by a man i once admired.So thanks a lot Jonny,thanks for ruining a dream.
